BCPD Prepares for the Impending Arrival of Florida Man

MALONEY HALL — With the approach of tonight’s matchup against the Miami Hurricanes, most of the Boston College community is ready to wind down the week by enjoying some good ol’ college football. However, the Boston College Police Department (BCPD) has been put on high alert as it prepares for the arrival of the Sunshine State’s most notorious resident: Florida Man.

For nearly a decade, Florida Man has wreaked havoc on the peninsula and the panhandle alike. Known (and feared) for his erratic behavior, he has often drawn nationwide media attention for his backassward criminal exploits.

Just a few of the headlines Florida Man has garnered for himself over the years include “Florida Man Caught with Active Meth Lab in His Pants,” “Florida Man Steals 36,000 Pounds of Crisco,” and “Florida Man Launches Chair at Mailman Because He Had No Mail for Him.”

The hell-raising Floridian agreed to make the trip up to Chestnut Hill after receiving a special invitation from the president of the University of Miami. According to reports, Florida Man was called upon as a means of compensating for the lackluster athletic ability of the Hurricanes.

“The biggest threat posed by Florida Man is that he doesn’t really have a standard M.O.,” said Boston College Chief of Police Bill Evans in a statement last night. “The guy’s a real chaotic evil, kind of like the Joker but with less money and more drugs.”

At press time, BCPD officers were seen manning critical positions around Boston College’s most important sites: the Rare Book Collection of the John J. Burns Library, the Doug Flutie statue, and the O’Neill Answer Wall.

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