BC’s Pipe-Smoking Students Demand More Sumptuous Leather Armchairs
GASSON COMMON — Punctuating their statement with long, pensive draws from their briars, a group of pipe-smoking students presented demands to the University administration on Thursday, citing the need for more sumptuous leather armchairs. The tweed-clad students stood behind a mahogany podium amid wisps of silver-blue smoke and decried the lack of such armchairs, as well as an “indefensible” lack of roaring fires and fine brandy.
“Boston College spends millions of dollars a year on athletics and academics, and yet they can’t spare a mere penny for suitable recliners, where students can sit and enjoy a pipe-full of fine Virginia tobacco as they read leather-bound copies of Beowulf,” said group representative John Briarwood (MCAS ‘19). “We’re not asking for much, just the essentials for our pipe smoking students: a few snifters of cognac, a well-stocked library, and perhaps a few portly cats to keep their laps warm.”
The University responded later in the day, stating that while they “understand the pain of pipe-smoking Eagles,” the last thing they need is for Gasson 100, admittedly the best on-campus location for such smoking, “to smell any mustier than it already does.”
At press time, campus cigarette smokers demanded that the school provide them with fire-escapes where they could wistfully smoke as they rethink their life’s choices.