Changing Leaves, Brighton Robberies Mark Beginning Of Fall
BRIGHTON, MA — According to a recent BCPD report, the seasonal influx of robberies in the off-campus community is once again in full swing. Along with the crisp air, colorful foliage, and blue skies that mark the fall season in Boston, the familiar ring of police sirens and broken windows has put many students in a cheery autumn mood.
“It’s really wonderful,” exclaimed Sarah Perkins (MCAS ‘19). “Every time I hear someone screaming about being watched in their sleep, I can just smell the pumpkin spice in the air!”
Each year, petty thieves flock to student apartments, hoping to find some treats to fill their goody bags. They go door to door, like children parading down shady lanes on Halloween, testing locks as they clean out gullible students.
“Yeah, it’s pretty fucked,” explained BCPD Chief Bill Evans. “These kids just refuse to lock their doors and windows, and now we have to go chasing their stolen Xboxes halfway across the city. We could be using that manpower to shake down backpacks outside of Walsh, or even set up a checkpoint behind Fitzaga.”
“You can only imagine what a Thanksgiving must look like for these bastards,” he added.
“Friends and family watching football on a ‘gently-used’ TV, fresh with the smell of Rubi and sweat; frozen veggies cooked in a microwave from Grandma; and merriment brought about by the best wine a nursing major can afford.”
At press time, Evans was seen scoping out the first floor of O’Neill, writing citations for unattended laptops, phones and textbooks.