REPORT: Biology Majors Really Just Want The Carbon Cycle To Reclaim Them At This Point
HIGGINS HALL — A group of biology majors were recently found lying face down in the lawn surrounding the Saint Ignatius statue. Seen screaming into the grass awaiting the sweet release of death, the students had reportedly just taken their first organic chemistry exam. Similar to decomposing leaves in autumn, they were hoping they could also wither, die, and be consumed by the environment. Reports say they hypothesized that, if they were to dig their filthy, uncut fingernails into the soil, nature would finally reclaim them.
In addition to applying for medical school, many biology students have been seen embracing the inevitable death that comes to all organic life. Students in the past have proposed elaborate, and existential, experiments to discover the half-life of a soul, and while some were able to produce significant data, letters of recommendation have been scarce.
Connor Kelly (MCAS ’20) was seen leaving a lecture in Higgins Hall while ripping up a stack of flashcards. “Let me die and use my body as fertilizer,” whimpered Kelly with the last of his strength “If I have to do one more titration I’m drinking every chemical in the lab. I’m not getting into med school so let me contribute to something.”
At press time, other students were seen digging their own plots in the graveyard behind the Thomas More Apartments in a desperate attempt to become one with Earth, or anything, for that matter.