Study: “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward” BC’s Most Common Party Theme
MCGUINN HALL — A groundbreaking anthropology study released Sunday morning revealed that Boston College’s most commonly used party theme is “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward.” This finding stunned researchers, who initially hypothesized that “Flannels and Handles” or “Plex Bros and Yoga Hoes” was the favorite party theme of undergraduate Eagles. “Our accumulated data suggest that Boston College’s students simply cannot get enough of parties that are hot, sweaty, and awkward,” said one researcher. Hundreds of Eagles flock in droves to cramped Mods, humid dorms, and rancid off-campus basements in search of social gatherings with this disgusting and lurid theme. At these events, which are referred to as ‘parties’ but appear to have more in common with petting zoos, students consume large amounts of alcohol and suck the faces of strangers in a fervent effort to contribute to the event’s theme. From freshmen to seniors, students cannot get enough of “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward.”
Researchers also found that many Eagles feel the need to attend these parties, even if the students absolutely hate the sweaty environment and the other people in attendance. It is believed that students fight their desire to lounge around in sweatpants and eat takeout Chinese and watch a good movie in order to attend “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward” parties because they seek a stereotypical college experience as portrayed in the media and by their friend Steve who goes to Arizona State and has a 1.92 GPA. Students are so dedicated to the “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward” theme that they’ll even eschew not knowing anyone in a dark room, being forced to listen to “Mr. Brightside” for the seventeenth time in a row, and the possibility of being rudely rejected at the door by a drunken asshole from your 11:00AM psychology class just for the chance to partake in the school’s most popular party theme.
When asked if they thought this party trend would ever subside, researchers stated they highly doubted it. “The theme has been around for centuries, and it is only gaining momentum,” said the study’s lead researcher, Dr. B. J. Wood. “As long as there are horny and socially awkward college students who need to drink alcohol from plastic bottles to have the confidence for casual hookups, and to get too drunk to notice that the party is terrible and someone just puked on the washing machine, there will be ‘Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward’ parties. There is something magnetic and captivating about these parties, possibly because going to them always has the romantic possibility of actually being fun. Unfortunately, these gambles almost always turn against partygoers who inevitably end up refreshing their emails in the corner and finding an excuse to leave.”
At press time, Sunday morning Instagram was running amuck with photos of bros and hoes making parties look a lot more fun than they actually were to justify hectically going out instead of just chillin’ out and getting stoned with close friends.