Freshman Gets Sinking Feeling He’s Only Friend Of Utility
NEWTON CAMPUS — After hanging out with his roommate throughout every Welcome Week activity, Steven Palmer (MCAS ‘22) has reportedly become worried that their relationship is more mutually-beneficial than he originally imagined.
“We just clicked at first, you know? We talked about our lives before BC, and found out we had a lot in common,” said Palmer, sitting alone in Stuart Dining Hall. “Before I knew it, though, he wasn’t coming back after his first day of classes finished. I thought we were going to hang out, talk about how our days went, maybe get a game of spike ball in if we were feeling really adventurous. I waited and waited, but once he got back from class, he just wanted to know what parties I was going to and whether I’d done the Perspectives reading.”
Steven’s roommate, Nick O’Machean, was reportedly surprised to hear about Steve’s confusion.
“He seems like a nice guy, I guess. I mean, we aren’t best friends or anything,” said O’Machean. “But hey, we’re roommates. Maybe we’ll watch a movie or grab lunch every once in a while. Plus, I have a fake, so as long as he’s got me covered on this Hellenism test, I’ll gladly pay him back in Bud Light. We’ve got a pay-it-forward kind of friendship, I guess.”
At press time, Palmer was found in his room talking to his mom, saying, “I really thought we had something special. I mean, maybe not Friends Of The Good per se, but at least Friends Of Pleasure. Now I’m not so sure.”