Articles | Page 33 of 95 | The New England Classic

Tinder Date Says There’ll Be Eight Inches of Snow; Probably Gonna Be More Like Five

Campus Culture Student Life February 25, 2022

In an effort to clear any confusion, Pump said, “Eight inches. It’s gonna snow eight inches. And who even cares exactly how many inches it snows? And honestly eight inches is too much snow anyways. If it snowed five and a half inches I think that’d be the perfect amount.”

Student Next To You In Schiller Lab Keeps 3D Printing Dildos

WTF February 23, 2022

Normous has been observed continuously returning to the 3D printing rooms in the pristine building. It is reported that he has been creating countless phallic sculptures and taking them back to his room. Although he tries to be sneaky in his endeavors, the glass-clad walls surrounding the lab make it hard to do so.

BC Club Lacrosse Has Away Games This Weekend; Campus Rejoices

Campus Culture Sports February 20, 2022

“Let us rejoice, and be glad!” said Father Moly, “For Boston College Men’s Club Lacrosse will be out of Boston from Friday to Sunday!” St. Ignatius erupted into raucous cheers the likes of which haven’t been heard since the church’s inception 96 years ago.

Underage Candidate’s Presidential Campaign In Doubt Following Fake ID Purge

Big Issues Student Life February 18, 2022

“Weirdly, John kept on insisting that the birth year on his card be 1986,” said Wead Deeler (CSOM ’25), who organized the fake ID order. “He said he wanted a Pennsylvania ID because ‘they’re easy to fake, and it’s a battleground state.’”

Lessons Learned From Last Sunday’s Snowstorm

Campus Culture Freshmen February 17, 2022

“What we found was that the aerodynamics of the coffin meant that the opposing forces of the snow didn’t allow for maximum kinetic energy on the acceleration of velocity so the resistance resulted in very little quarks,” remarked Freddy’s super smart friend, Philip Payne (MCAS ’25).

Student Services Apologizes For ROTC And Pulse Placement Mix-Up

Student Life February 16, 2022

LYONS HALL — The Office of Student Services was in clean-up mode on Monday after a clerical error resulted in a messy switch-a-roo. Students enrolled in the popular Pulse service program were mistakenly placed in the Army Training ROTC program. Subsequently, the cadets-in-training were placed in the local Pulse... Read more

Windexgate: Schiller’s Sinister Secrets Spilled

Uncategorized February 15, 2022

We finally started to see what was in front of our eyes the whole time. It was all smoke and mirrors. Classroom after classroom, that blue yet delectable liquid.

Polyamorous Couple Celebrates With Valentine’s White Elephant

Campus Culture Student Life February 14, 2022

Love is in the air, and although you’re completely alone and depressed shitless this Valentine’s Day (calling your mom crying about how your Marriage Pact didn’t respond to your email), Denny Luvsalot (MCAS ’23) is left struggling to come up with unique gifts for each of his four (4) lovers. Luvsalot, the elected representative of his polyamorous relationship, decided to forgo the typical 20 boxes of chocolate and bouquets this year for a cheaper, more sustainable option: a White Elephant gift exchange.

Warning: Couples Are Gonna Get Snowballed

Big Issues Campus Culture February 13, 2022

Year after year, lone Eagles have been subject to the brutally humbling experience of watching PDA during the winter time. So what if they seem to understand you like no one else ever has? Holding hands is Gross. We’ve crunched the numbers, and it’s bad; couples on campus have a 100% risk of experiencing getting snowballed by me.

LTE: Adieu! I Killed The Guy Who Spoiled The Wordle For Me

LTE February 9, 2022

I know killing thy neighbor is sinful but I don’t think God or any Bible junkie alike could ever have predicted that one’s neighbor would do something as utterly fucked up as spoiling the Wordle.