The New England Classic
BC Places 1% of Freshmen on Georgia State’s Newton Campus
NEWTON CAMPUS — It’s early August, and that means that first year housing assignments are now live! For the many freshmen who have been placed on Upper campus, this is a time for celebration—a computer system has randomly decided to make you cool. No, seriously, it’s as simple as... Read more
Freshman Totally Nails First Impression on Class of 2020 Facebook Page
THE FACE BOOK — Enjoying the lazy summer months leading up to move-in day, local Boston College freshman Jeb McFly has wasted no time in making a lasting impression on his fellow classmates. Jeb, a charming young prep school grad with an ironic bucket hat, has brought laughter and... Read more
BC Orientation Takes New, More Realistic Approach

“We’ve redesigned Orientation to prepare students for the numerous disappointments that they inevitably will be forced to deal with by the end of their first semester.”

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2150 Earnestly Hoping To Be Named After Old, Rich Donor Or Jesuit
COMM AVE — With summer quickly approaching and the fall semester on deck, the final touches are being put on Boston College RA’s newest hunting ground: the 2150 Commonwealth Avenue Residence Hall. Among other things, the state-of-the-art dormitory will feature a coffee bar, multiple bathrooms per suite, and terrific... Read more
Professor Brings Food On Last Day Of Class To Fatten Her Calves Before Slaughter
STOKES HALL — Wearing a devilish grin that only she knew the true meaning behind, English professor Sheila Brownstone brought three dozen donuts from Dunkin to her final Studies in Narrative class on Thursday at 10:30 AM. While her students think that Professor Brownstone is “just the sweetest,” others... Read more
Insufferable Freshman Still Complaining About Living On Newton
DUCHESNE EAST (UGH, IT SUCKS)—The eye rolls in Stuart Dining Hall were audible late last week when Moe Vaughn was overheard complaining about living on Newton Campus. Although bitching about living on the satellite campus is a typical coming-of-age tradition for roughly 40% of the freshman class each year,... Read more
Temporary Outage in Gasson Lighting Causes BC to Plummet in College Rankings
LINDEN LANE —In an unexpected turn of events, U.S. News & World Report announced that Boston College has dropped 16 spots in its highly-regarded ranking of national universities. Although the Washington D.C.-based news outlet typically updates its list only once a year in September, U.S. News spokesperson Darby Trary... Read more
BC Athletics Downgrades ‘SuperFans’ to ‘OkayFans’

Consistent mediocrity appears to be SuperFan’s kryptonite.

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Boston Strong: This Freshman Almost Threw Up, But Didn’t!
COMM. AVE — In a display of strength and resolve to rival that of Boston’s colonial freedom fighters, freshman Brock Barth (MCAS ’19) reportedly fought and conquered the urge to vomit while watching today’s marathon. Barth had woken up at 6:00 AM to begin “crushing” the 36 pack of... Read more
Senior Completes Arduous Marathon Monday Drinking Training Regimen

Tout predicts that the hardest stretch of his Monday afternoon will occur roughly around 20 beers into the drinking marathon, which is widely referred to as the infamous “Heart Failure Hill.”

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