Test Tube Baby? This Guy’s Parents Conceived In Chem Lab
HIGGINS HALL — In what may not be considered a medical miracle, but is at least a demonstration of gross, yucky love, local junior Manny Scus (CSON ’23) revealed that he was a test tube baby. IVF? No. His parents fucked in a laboratory.
Friends of Scus expressed some concern about his understanding of in-vitro fertilization, “I don’t really think he understands that two people raw-dogging it on a lab bench is not the same as an embryo grown in a lab,” said roommate Martin Fitzgerald (MCAS ’23). “I don’t even want to hear what he thinks immaculate conception is.”
Scus told The Classic that he has been telling people he is a test tube baby for his entire life with a great deal of pride. “It just makes me feel extra special,” Scus revealed. “I mean, you hear all this stuff about how expensive test tube babies are, and that people ‘spend a fortune’ on them just because they want kids that bad. To know my parents planned for me like that and sacrificed so much, even though they were unemployed seniors in college, well, it just means a whole lot.”
Scus’s parents failed to tell their miracle son that they did not even plan well enough to buy condoms, and that his dad got a vasectomy the same day he was born. “We love him very much,” Scus’s mother told us.