Roommate Weirdly Insistent You Don’t Fuck His Mom
SexWTF September 28, 2022 The New England Classic
VANDERSLICE HALL — Parents Weekend at Boston College is, for many, a time of nostalgia, happiness, and reconnection. But for one sophomore living in Vanderslice, it’s apparently also a time of fear. Eddie Pess (CSOM ’25) reached out to the Classic to talk about his anxieties and to broadcast his plea to the rest of the student body: “Oh gosh, guys. I sure hope nobody fucks my mom.”
Oftentimes among friends or on social media platforms such as Herrd, students will quip about the abundance of ‘MILFS’ or ‘DILFS’ during the allotted visiting period. Pess said, “I mean yeah, obviously she’s a MILF, like, y’know she’s my mom obviously but like, yeah she’s definitely at least an 8, and she’d even be a 9 if she got a BBL. I just really hope nobody sees how single and cute but also sexy at the same time she is and takes her out to the club and then maybe comes up to her when she’s feelin’ herself on the dance floor and she traces his jawline with her Rhapsody Red painted nails and they’re like, exchanging energy, you know, and then he takes her back to his 8 man in Vandy, or like whatever their dorm is, and lays her down real slow and then maybe he doesn’t neglect foreplay and things just boil over into an unforgettable night from there because, you know, that would be, like, my worst nightmare personally. If someone were to do that. And she’ll be staying at the Hilton in Brookline too, so I just really hope nobody goes there anytime after 6pm during Parents Weekend and tries something. Because that would be really weird and I just really hope it doesn’t happen.”
The Classic also reached out to Pess’s direct roommate, Rooh Mayte (MCAS ’25), and he had this to say: “Yeah it’s been lowkey really weird lately. Like I found an entire box of chocolate strawberry flavored condoms in my drawer the other day which I definitely didn’t buy, and there’s a sticky note on my desk with a phone number on it which I didn’t put there. Also, his mom just popped up in my feed on Insta and like, I don’t remember following her but he insists that I did when I was drunk and keeps telling me that I might as well DM her because it’d be funny or something. Also, I opened my computer one day and there was just, like, an IMovie slideshow playing with pictures of his mom. It was one of those ones where the pictures flash by and the song is like super distorted and slow-mo-ed, you know? Like how you would see with Harry Styles or Teen Wolf on Instagram or Tumblr. I don’t know, man, it was just really weird.”
We here at the Classic would like to encourage all students to respect one another and their elders this Parents Weekend at BC, and, in solidarity with Eddie Pess, extend one last appeal to common decency that nobody, especially not “a muscular, broad-shouldered 20-something” (in Pess’ words) approach Room 1405 at the Hilton in Brookline during the hours of 6-10pm this coming Saturday or Sunday, as that is reportedly where Ms. Pess will be staying, hopefully undisturbed.
