WALSH HALL — Consider justice served. The Walsh Bat that terrorized sophomore residents last weekend has been captured, detained, and brought in for questioning by BCPD.
Errr– actually they were…released? The bat was released, following new guidance that no rabies test is equivalent to a negative result. But before they began dancing in the moonlight, a brave, rabies-vaccinated New England Classic reporter cried out to the bat and asked for comment.
“I’m just Walsh Bat, trying to get back to my sweet little Walsh Rat. In the dim lighting, I mistook a human for my most beautiful lover,” said Walsh Bat. “Even though I’m technically blind, I could have sworn I saw the faint outline of their slender pointed head and thinly furred ears. I couldn’t help but take a bite.”
Sophomore Ray Beez (MCAS ’24), still nursing her bat hickey, was not amused by their behavior, “They have some serious problems. They can take it up with me in court, Supreme or Food, their choice,” said Beez.
The Walsh Bat has been seen attempting to soothe their sneaky-link/soon to be exclusive partner, the Walsh Rat, at some of campus’ finest dining locations, including the Rat in Lyons, named for Walsh Rat’s mother Mary Rattinger. When asked for a comment, Walsh Rat said, “They know that this food reminds me of what my mom used to make me growing up. It shows they care.”
Walsh Bat gave us exclusive access to a poem that they wrote about Walsh Rat, inspired by their last encounter prior to Saturday’s incident, and it is as follows:
Once there was a Walsh Bat
Who asked the Walsh Rat
“Hey, can I tap that?
You’ve got ass that’s fat.”
Walsh Rat responds to Walsh Bat,
“If you’re not a scaredy-cat,
You can smack dat.”
Surprised was the Walsh Bat,
“My pants, they’ve been shat.”
Tit for tat,
Walsh Rat tells Walsh Bat,
“I’ll go get mine from the laundromat.
Stay here, don’t touch the thermostat.”
Walsh Rat arrived back at her flat
And became a naked mole-rat.
And standing there was Walsh Bat,
Wearing nothing but a cowboy hat.
Walsh Bat, feeling rowdy, said that,
“Yee-haw, fuck you, Walsh Rat Democrat,
With your yogurt that’s non-fat
You’ll never visit my underground frat.”
Walsh Rat clapped back to Walsh Bat
“Well fuck you and your pants you shat
You can now leave my flat
For I’m gonna blast some Doja Cat.”
“You’re a stupid little rugrat,
I hope you get stomped on by a diplomat
And your face goes splat,
So that the Walsh Bat
Never finds another Walsh Rat
Whose ass that’s fat.”
At press time, rumors were circulating that there are more bats around campus, including the one that is under your pillow.