The New England Classic
Dad Beats GPS’ Estimated Trip Time Driving To Campus, Reports Dad
CHESTNUT HILL — Beaming with pride as he exited his 2014 BMW, Gerard Fisher, father of student Jonathan Fisher (CSOM ’19) reported that he had managed to beat his car GPS’s estimated time of arrival by over 10 minutes. “The navigation system told me we’d be here by 2:13,... Read more
BC Administration Clarifies: ‘No, We’re Not Being Silent, We’re Just Ignoring You.’
GASSON HALL — In the wake of Thursday’s “Solidarity March” that inspired hundreds of students to speak out against the injustices committed against marginalized populations on their campus, administrators issued a statement on Thursday afternoon: “We see you, we hear you, and we just don’t care.” When a group of students... Read more
Freshman Rejected From Serving Others Dedicates Life To Evil
THE FORTRESS OF SERVITUDE — After a devastating rejection from 4Boston and being told that she’s “not good enough to help other people,” freshman Kelly Strickland (MCAS ‘20) has vowed to devote her life to evil, chaos, and devastation. She has reportedly assumed the supervillain alias “Miss Disservice” and... Read more
With Wagner Game Tomorrow, Addazio Looking To Relive Glory Days As High School Bully
STATEN ISLAND, NY — As Boston College’s first home approaches tomorrow afternoon, no one is more eager for kickoff than the Eagles’ head coach Steve Addazio, Farmington High’s premiere bully from 1973-1977. After suffering what can only be described as a total embarrassment last week in a 49-0 loss to Virginia... Read more
Student Shocked To Learn ‘They Didn’t Have Cell Phones Back Then, Class’
STOKES SOUTH — In an incident that would leave them speechless, students in the 1:00PM section of HIST1169 Atlantic Worlds were reportedly “shocked to the innermost part of their being” when their professor revealed that “they didn’t have cell phones back then.” The students’ mind-blowing paradigm shift was only... Read more
Overinvolved Sophomore Finally Busy Enough To Forget Crippling Loneliness

“Now I’m only sad right before I go to bed, and that’s only if I’m not too exhausted to fall asleep before I have time to reflect on how unhappy I am!”

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Guy Who Just Said ‘And Also With You’ Clearly Hasn’t Done This In A While
O’Neill Plaza Church — While at Mass of the Holy Spirit, a tradition at the beginning of the school year for Jesuit high schools and universities throughout the world, junior Shane McCarthy (CSOM ’18) uttered the words “and also with you” in response to Father Leahy’s “peace be with... Read more
Freshman Gets Stuck in Labyrinth Behind Bapst
LINDEN LANE — Wandering through campus on a hot afternoon late last week, adventurous freshman Bobby McGallian (CSOM ‘20) found himself lost in the Memorial Labyrinth behind Bapst Library. Overwhelmed by the first week of college and the demands of his core classes, McGallian was looking to blow off... Read more
Leahy Attends Student Involvement Fair: ‘This Is The Semester I Put Myself Out There’

It’s never too late to get involved!

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Addazio Will Coach In Ireland Via Skype After Forgetting To Renew Passport
DUBLIN, IRELAND — After a record-breaking 0-8 record in the ACC last season, Boston College’s football team appears to be getting off to another rough start before even touching the field. Head coach Steve Addazio, somehow ignoring months of reminders from Brad Bates and the rest of the athletic department... Read more