The Google 2-Step Rapture Is Here: No One Is Safe

WHEREVER THEY KEEP THE BC TECH PEOPLE— Students and faculty alike have been frantically saving their gmail passwords and kissing their loved ones goodbye in preparation for the most anticipated event of the month: The Google 2-Step Rapture.

As made abundantly clear by BC Technology Services, the rapture is coming. Since December, the IT support team has tirelessly alerted the BC community that if they don’t turn on Google 2-Step by January 30th, they’ll be locked out of their BC accounts. And they’ll die or something. I don’t know, I don’t read their emails because I’m not a nerd.

“Nobody is truly safe from the 2-Step Rapture”, says Ben Krupt, the manager of tech services. “We’ve been doing our best to warn everyone. It started with a few lighthearted emails to the student body, but we got a lot of pushback, so we’ve been taking more drastic measures as of late”.

“They threw a rock through my fucking window with a note that said ‘The time is now. 2-step now or no steps ever’. I’m still not gonna do it”, says one outspoken 2-Step denier, Tay Kenn (CSOM ‘23). “BC Tech Services can drag me kicking and screaming; I won’t convert”.

Brave contrarians like Tay have joined forces to create the Student Coalition Against Two-Step (SCATS). They offer various resources for rapture-vulnerable BC students such as SCATS laptop stickers, funny comebacks to the Technology Services emails, and lamb’s blood to mark your door frame in hopes of warding off Father 2-Step.

At press time, Ben Krupt was seen hiring singing telegrams for Mod residents to tell them to register for 2-Step.

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