The New England Classic
Student Overhears Father Leahy in Confession: “Fuck Them Kids”
ST. IGNATIUS — Reports surfaced that the walls in the confessionals are dangerously thin. Current student Jack Barrey (CSOM ’21) said he was waiting in line to confess his sins from two Marathon Mondays ago when he heard something unsettling coming from the confessional.  “I sat there in disbelief,... Read more
“Don’t Travel During Columbus Day Weekend” Say Lochhead, Comeau From Helm Of The “Pinta”

“Executive Vice President Michael Lochhead and Director of University Health Services Dr. Douglas Comeau were spotted by a source close to The Classic Early Monday morning, steering a replica version of Christopher Columbus’s Pinto on some sort of homage reenactment in the Caribbean Sea.”

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Rats in Walsh Lose Housing For Being in 8-Man Without Mask

“According to the report, all eight indicted inhabitants of the room were inside, along with ten other guests. Everybody present was described as being a ‘small-to-medium sized rodent with brown fur.’ No member of either party was a BC student, nor were they properly equipped with masks.”

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New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️
STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more
Hold The Phone: Molly Has A New Bitch
GASSON QUAD — The undergraduate population was buzzing with excitement on Wednesday when campus fixture Molly the Dog was spotted with a much younger black labrador named Maisie. After rumors circulated that Molly was about to take a long trip to a farm upstate, she reached out to The... Read more
Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused
UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and... Read more
Woah! Helicopter!
BOSTON COLLEGE — The Classic received a stream of reports about helicopters hovering over campus this morning, an event aerophile communities consider both “gratuitous aerial distraction” and “still super cool”.   The sight left many speechless, but one junior captured the experience vividly. “So I was just like in my... Read more
University Suspends Three Persons of God for Violating Guest Policy

“After we stuffed the Holy Spirit behind the shower curtain, I tried to explain that we’re Three Persons, One God, so we should be exempt…  they couldn’t seem to grasp the concept. BC is really going to regret doing this. Do they know who my Father is?”

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“Who Even Gives A Shit Anymore?”: Furry Spotted On Newton Campus

“Yeah, man, I guess this sort of thing used to be a big deal. Any other week, honestly. But none of us can be bothered to give this kid the gaping, slack-jawed, sickened glares he’s so clearly begging for.”  

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NFL Football Fans Sport Cute Little Costumes
WALSH HALL — With the fall semester underway at Boston College and no social events for the foreseeable future, Eagles on campus remain anxious about what the upcoming months will look like. Despite so much uncertainty, some hope was restored among much of the student body earlier this month... Read more