SAINT MARY’S — Catholics came out of the woodwork today in order to celebrate a very special holiday. No, it is not Christmas or the Fourth of July. It is what Catholics call Ash Wednesday, but if you are Jewish, it is that day where everyone has just a little schmutz on their face.
With all that schmutz on people’s foreheads, some Eagles are finding it difficult to stop themselves from offering a Wet-One or even a Salicylic Acid cleanser to really get into those ash-infiltrated pores.
“I don’t know the significance of the stuff. Everyone has the right to practice what they want, but golly, I just want to lick my thumb and shine them up just like my Bubbe used to do,” said Nat Cath-Lick (MCAS ’23).
Other members of campus have vocalized their thoughts on these proud displays of religiosity.
“Man, if I knew that I could get into heaven by letting the priest rub a little something on my face, I would’ve gone to church a long time ago!” said Agnus Tic (CSOM ’22).
Whether you are Catholic or not, Ash Wednesday has truly brought this campus more unity than ever before. All around campus, Eagles are putting religious boundaries aside and finding common ground in the most unlikely of places.
“Yeah, we’re not Catholic. My roommates and I just wanted to skip class,” said Johnny Mensch (CSOM ’24) prancing into Saint Mary’s Church.
At press time, coconuts were petitioning for a different tree to be burned.