Comeau Defends Decision To End Required COVID Testing: “I Was Afraid Of Missing The BTR Reunion Tour”
UNIVERSITY HEALTH SERVICES — The church bells were ringing, the choirs were singing, and the unknown 617 area code phone calls were silent as news percolated that surveillance testing for the novel SARS-CoV-2 virus was no longer a requirement. BC had one man to thank: Dr. Douglas Comeau.
What inspired him to cease the greatest nasal invasion of the century? Was it the fruits of science? The heckles of your Facebook-addicted aunts and uncles? Or the calls of divine intervention?
For Comeau, the answer lay with the hearts of a recently reunited Nickelodeon boy band.
“I really wanna go to the Big Time Rush concert at TD Garden next week,” said Dr. Comeau. “It’s their first show in years, and I didn’t want to catch the ‘rona before it, so I proclaimed from the pulpit, ‘Testing is over. Go forth in peace and greet each other with tongue, exclusively, from now on.’”
Comeau admitted that he splurged and bought pit tickets with the money saved from the COVID test stoppage.
“I’m bringing my little niece to the concert, and I can’t wait to show her what moshing is like,” said Dr. Comeau. “I tried getting her and her friends to mosh at the Wiggles concert I brought them to, but they wouldn’t budge.”
“Also, not to gatekeep the boys or anything,” said Comeau, adjusting the BTR bobblehead collection on his desk, “but I’ve been following Kendall, James, Carlos, and Logan since their Minnesota days, so I deserve this.”
Comeau says his favorite member of BTR is James. “He’s a dreamboat, and quite frankly all signs point to me and him slaying the whole world together.”
Comeau’s prep for the concert has already begun. He has grown out his hair to match the luscious, swooshing flow of band member James Maslow, and at press time, he was dusting off his limited edition “Better With U” tour tee that he bought at a 2012 Syracuse show.