Groundhog Saw His Shadow: 6 More Weeks Without Commitment From Situationship
Big IssuesSex January 31, 2025 The New England Classic
50TH HINGE RE-DELETE — With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, what your heart wants, what your head wants, and how much you want head are the big questions on BC campus. Luckily, the all-knowing rodent Punsutawney Phil has seen his shadow, providing students with the secure knowledge that their situationship will have six more weeks of a wintry, ice-cold heart.
“This is such a relief for BC’s sociopath community,” said Wym N. Hayter (CSOM ‘25). “The huzz are always so demanding. They are always asking me to respect them, disclose my STDs, and stop calling them by their ranking out of 10 (3 won’t shut up about that one).”
Hayter, self-titled “Victim of Parental Divorce”, has been employing his “BREAK HER” playbook since the start of freshman year. According to Hayter, the ideal targets are emotionally weak and romantically inexperienced, so those employing his methods should look for people with very Catholic upbringings.
“First, get close to her, ideally confess a fake insecurity in hopes she tells you a real one that can be used as ammunition.” explained Hayter, who had not yet blinked in our interview. “One day you lean-in, lip-quivering and tell her she’s unlocked a love you didn’t know you could feel. Kiss her on her forehead, say you aren’t going anywhere, repeat that she’s safe and hold her tight. THEN you leave without warning and say you can’t commit.”
When his latest target, Victoria Timm (MCAS ‘25), was interviewed she stated “You guys just don’t know him like I do! Him sleeping with my roommate was a trauma response, she literally reminded him of his ex! I just need to wait and be patient. If I keep paying for our dinners and stop asking for aftercare, he will change his mind.”
At press time, Hayter was seen explaining that commitment doesn’t scare him, it’s actually that his roster is so big it’d hurt all of them too much and be selfish to just pick one. 
