Former Fake ID Owners Spend Weekend at Build-a-Bear, Pump It Up

CHESTNUT HILL — Devastation has spread across campus over the past two months as the new ID scanning app, Age ID, has been downloaded by bouncers, bartenders, and liquor store owners alike. Students under the age of 21 (who haven’t been able to get their dirty little paws on the real ID of an older sibling or neighbor) are no longer able to use their falsified Connecticut, Pennsylvania, and California licenses in light of this updated scanning software. Students campus wide have expressed their dismay as the prospects for their social life will now be limited to over-crowded dorm parties, black mold infested basements, and worst of all, CAB sponsored functions.

“Yeah, real fucking cool of the government intelligence or whatever to allocate essential crime fighting funds toward busting underage kids,” Priv Lidged (CSOM ’25) told The Classic. “Me and the boys stood in line in the cold for 45 minutes and had even memorized our new addresses, astrology signs, eye colors, and everything. Then the guy at the door was like ‘This is fake.’ He was right, of course, but he didn’t have to come at me like that!”

After several weekends of embarrassment and wasted money on Ubers and Lyfts to bars, underage little baby students have opted for alternative ways of entertaining themselves including a visit to the DIY stuffed animal nationwide franchise, Build-a-Bear Workshop.

“No I swear, it was actually pretty lit,” Goodat Titude (LSOE ’24) told The Classic. “We pulled up to Build-a-Bear after hitting the bong and got to play God with some stuffed animals for an hour. Me and my girl even kissed the heart before they stitched the little guy up. Would you rather spend $60 on four tequila shots in dixie cups or on a stuffed zebra in a cop costume? The answer seems obvious to me.”

Psychology majors have taken a particular interest in the phenomenon and claim this behavior is a manifestation of Freud’s age regression theory, whereby students who have experienced the trauma of having a fake ID confiscated are resorting to child-like behaviors and activities for comfort.

The remaining population of underage juniors have opted for a more dignified and exclusive option: playing in a private room for 2 hours at Pump It Up. Summer B. Irthday (MCAS ’23) explained to The Classic that she is part of the “silent majority” of underage juniors, and repeatedly reiterated that the rug burn on her knees and elbows are “not what you think.”

At press time, sophomores were spotted ubering from Walsh to the Watertown McDonald’s Playplace.

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