Warning: Couples Are Gonna Get Snowballed

CHESTNUT HILL  — Welcome to February. The snow is laying crisp on the ground, the promise of spring hangs in the air, and the slaughter of millions of chickens occurs in preparation for President’s Day or something like that. You would think that the shortest month of the year could serve as a time to calm down, chill out, and generally be polite in public. However, St. Valentine decided that wasn’t going to happen and got himself martyred; now, we eat chocolate and choke back tears when we see our crushes making out with their partners in New Mac. Displaying their chemistry through the see-through walls of the Integrated Sciences Building. Passing up Strip Mod to gaze into each other’s eyes.

Year after year, lone Eagles have been subject to the brutally humbling experience of watching PDA during the winter time. So what if they seem to understand you like no one else ever has? Holding hands is Gross. We’ve crunched the numbers, and it’s bad; couples on campus have a 100% risk of experiencing getting snowballed by me.

While you hold each others’ mittened hands, I’m dreaming of all the types of snow I’m going to include in these snowballs. I’m talking snow that’s actually just solid ice, yellow snow, gray snow (also known as rocks); the options are limitless. Reports of snow being mostly melted by now will not hold me back. Portable shaved ice machines are only 23 dollars on Amazon, and I’ve built up my right arm doing something you don’t need to know about. Being single sucks but it allows me far more stealth than those dumbasses who walk around in pairs all the time, making themselves a bigger target for my snowballs. I’ll close on this note: watch out.

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