Report: “Hey, You’ve Got A Little Something On Your–”
STOKES LAWN — A discovery by the NEC Sandwichlight team has uncovered multiple damning reports alleging that hundreds of Boston College students have suspicious smudges of dirt on their foreheads. Reports began piling up early this morning and have not died down all day.
Junior Katy Chisim told The Classic, “People have been walking around with shit on their faces all day, and it’s like, how many times can I say ‘hey you got something’, you know? Just go on Snapchat or something, come on.”
Sandwichlight, not to be confused with the Boston Globe Spotlight team, does groundbreaking journalistic work around the BC campus, previously uncovering multiple conspiracies like the Kairos secret.
After some investigation, Classic reporters found a correlation between students with gross icky dirt on their foreheads and Mass attendance. When reached out to Campus Ministry for comment, their response was a mysterious “Are you kidding?”
John T. Baptist, a very obviously confused freshman, offered an explanation.
“It’s for Ash Wednesday. Have you guys seriously not heard of this? We go to a Jesuit school, this is a super well known thing. Ash Wednesday. Beginning of Lent. Ends with Easter. Is this really not ringing a bell?”
No one in The Classic newsroom and all on-call fact checkers were baffled as to what he could have been talking about.
At press time, the NEC investigative Sandwichlight team was beginning to inquire about the little statues of a man T-posing in almost every classroom on campus.