Slimiest Guy You Know Works For Eagles Realty Now

MCELROY COMMONS– In today’s modern labor market, the true “9-5” may be going out of business. Replacing it are a slew of recently popularized streams of passive income. Students at BC are determined to not be left behind in the obsolete 9-5 world, and are constantly looking for ways to make 6 figures without contributing any real work to the world. 

The Classic was able to snag an interview with a current Eagle Realtor, Slum Lord (MCAS ’25). Lord expressed, “Dolly Parton was so wrong for writing that one song. A 9-5 is no way to make a living. Instead I just can DM a bunch of freshmen asking if they need an overpriced house in two years. It’s great.”

Lord’s resumé boasts an impressive history of involvement in pyramid schemes, including a position as a Sales Associate for Cutco Knives and an Event Promoter for Slacker University. 

“I’m beyond grateful for my past work experiences, but Eagle’s Realty is definitely a step forward in my career. My boss is such a role model; he’s a BC Alum who’s just still so passionate about being deeply ingrained in the lives of current college students at his alma mater. I really respect his dedication to his roots and recognition that life isn’t all about intrapersonal growth or ethics, it’s about money” Lord wrote in his LinkedIn update. 

Freshman, Clue Less (MCAS ’26), was one of Lord’s prospective clients. Less divulged, “I always see Slum hanging around in Stu and around the upper stairs. At first I thought it’s because he had a freshman girlfriend, but now I know it’s for work, so I respect it”.

Less has expressed that he too is taking an interest in this new, booming industry that grossly commodifies the basic human need for housing and preys on the instability of newly formed friend groups consisting of 18 year olds who are still gaining critical thinking skills.

At press time, Lord was seen painting over power outlets and posting “calling all freshmen!” on his Instagram story.

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