The New England Classic
Polyamorous Couple Celebrates With Valentine’s White Elephant

Polyamorous Couple Celebrates With Valentine’s White Elephant

Campus CultureStudent Life February 14, 2022 The New England Classic

Love is in the air, and although you’re completely alone and depressed shitless this Valentine’s Day (calling your mom crying about how your Marriage... Polyamorous Couple Celebrates With Valentine’s White Elephant

SOUTH ST — Love is in the air, and although you’re completely alone and depressed shitless this Valentine’s Day (calling your mom crying about how your Marriage Pact didn’t respond to your email), Denny Luvsalot (MCAS ’23) is left struggling to come up with unique gifts for each of his four (4) lovers. Luvsalot, the elected representative of his polyamorous relationship, decided to forgo the typical 20 boxes of chocolate and bouquets this year for a cheaper, more sustainable option: a White Elephant gift exchange.

White Elephant, a gift exchange typically done around Christmas, mandates that each participating party bring a wrapped gift, which will end up with one person involved by the end of the exchange. Luvsalot came in clean with a macaroni anglet. “What’s better than a homemade gift?” he told The Classic.

“He said that? Damn, I spent a lot of time on my homemade scrapbook of the five us. I realized we didn’t have a ton of pictures together, like, out at dinner or ice skating or cute relationship things. It’s a lot of screenshotted Snapchat nudes, but it’s still really sentimental” Penny Sgrowtum (CSOM ’23), another member of the quintet, said.

Ginny Koochy (MCAS ’22) showed up with the official Sonic the Hedgehog Encyclo-Speed-Ia hardcover book, a surefire way to spur competition at the event. Björn Jørgen (Lynch ’23) brought a wrapped Fabergé Egg, a historical bejeweled egg of the Romanov empire. He won the egg at an auction in Latvia for $33 million. The most sought-after gift, though, came from Bennie Secshaver (CSOM ’22), who kept it simple with a used pet hamster.

The relationship fought ruthlessly for the 5 gifts, swapping and stealing at each turn. Eventually, they ended up with their very own heartfelt gift from one of their lovers.

When asked about their experience with the exchange, Koochy replied, “I mean, it was fun? A part of me wanted to come home to a bouquet or some nice earrings or something, but I’m sure this macaroni anglet will go a long way.”

“Very nice! Yeah?” said Jørgen, who received the used hamster.

“I would definitely recommend this to any other polyamrous relationships that are tight for money and ideas. It’s great, everyone ends up happy and with what they wanted,” stated Secshaver, who ended up with the Fabergé egg.