Spooky: [email protected] Is Your New Stepdad
McELROY COMMONS— Senior Stephen Kelly (‘21) got more than he paid for at his most recent trip to McElroy Commons. Kelly, who usually frequents Lower Dining Hall or his own 2150 Kitchen, found himself in the Upper campus eatery to grab a quick chicken and two sides after his Food and Culture seminar in Carney. He did not expect to grab a new stepdad alongside his green beans.
Waiting in the “Temptations” line, Kelly was approached by McElroy’s one and only General Manager, Michael Forcier, known colloquially by his delectable Instagram handle: “[email protected]” Kelly was patiently inhaling the scrumptious aroma of Pasta Toss when he felt a tap on his left shoulder, from none other than the delicately plump index finger of [email protected]
“Hey, Steve? Is it okay if I call you that? Can I have a quick word, I promise you’re not in trouble!” blubbered [email protected] to Kelly (who tells The Classic that it is not, by any means, okay to call him Steve). [email protected]’s forehead glistened as sweat trickled down his neck, dampening his purple polo collar, though regulars tell us that this is not out of the ordinary for Forcier.
“So… I wanted to make sure that you heard it from me first before the rumors start swirling,” [email protected] stammered, twiddling his fingers anxiously. “Anyway, I just wanted to ask for your blessing in pursuing your mother, Jacquelyn, in marriage. Sparks flew when I handed her one of my famous charred cheeseburgers during Parent’s Weekend last year and the rest is history. We didn’t want to tell you in case something went wrong. . . I’ll spare you the greasy details, but this past year has been sweeter than Mac’s Chocolate Cake©. Son, I just can’t see my Chicken Tikka life without your mom’s blessed Masala and rockin’ bod. Do I have your blessing to make our potatoes into Fripps™?”
Kelly did all he could not to throw up the Eagle’s Bowl he had for lunch. [email protected] his new father? The man who speaks in food lingo that simply does not make sense? The man who thought that “pulled chicken” belonged inside of an avocado?
At press time, [email protected] was seen adding Kelly as a contact under the name ‘Son’.