Student Services Apologizes For ROTC And Pulse Placement Mix-Up

LYONS HALL — The Office of Student Services was in clean-up mode on Monday after a clerical error resulted in a messy switch-a-roo. Students enrolled in the popular Pulse service program were mistakenly placed in the Army Training ROTC program. Subsequently, the cadets-in-training were placed in the local Pulse service programs. 

“With the extended rollout of EagleApps, we were definitely expecting some minor issues like this,” downplayed Student Services Director Nokan Doo. 

Armie Greene (MCAS ’24), a military officer hopeful, was surprisingly not caught off guard by his placement.

“I was placed at a correctional facility in Back Bay,” said Greene. “I figured there were some oil deposits in the harbor that my officers wanted me to tap into, so I didn’t ask any questions.”

On the first day of classes, the Pulse enrollees convened on the O’Neill Lawn in a criss-cross applesauce style circle and talked about the naughty, naughty sins they didn’t reveal in confession. 

“But, when the drill sergeant started yelling commands and insults into my face, I was a little worried about what I signed up for…because of all that flying spit and Covid, y’know?” said Pulse student, Missy Doogood (CSON ’24). 

Many Pulse students who spoke to The Classic actually embraced the harsher-than-expected training, continually reminding themselves of the importance of being men and women for others. 

“Just all of a sudden, they were shoving rifles in our hands,” said Gal Fieri (MCAS ’24). “I reasoned that they were just preparing us for that worst-case scenario. Some of those elementary kids can get a bit rowdy.”

Donnie Bootliquor (CSOM ’24), however, reported that he was a bit taken aback by the training. “I chose BC because of its commitment to service,” Bootliquor said. “I guess I just didn’t realize that they meant service in more of a militaristic sense.”

All impacted students in the Pulse and ROTC programs were oblivious to the clerical error. The administration finally sniffed that something was amiss after BCPD received reports of shots fired at the Pine Tree Preserve. 

At press time, Pulse students were seen longing for their glory days on the battlefield.

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