Windexgate: Schiller’s Sinister Secrets Spilled
Uncategorized February 15, 2022 The New England Classic
INTEGRATED SCIENCE BUILDING – Students, professors, strangers, and friends alike have come together this semester to enjoy Boston College’s hottest new addition to campus: the Integrated Science Building. The project took two years to complete and $150 million United States Dollars. But where did this money come from?
One might read the About section on the Schiller Institute website and learn that it was a “multi-year lead gift totaling $25 million” from BC Trustee Phil Schiller ’82 and his wife, Kim Gassett-Schiller. But do you believe every word you read online? Investigative Classic Reporters were not satisfied with this obvious lie. We had to know more.
The first question that the ICR needed to address was perhaps the most pertinent. Who the hell would want a building just for nerds? Maybe it was the nerds? We asked them. They said no. So we quit asking people. It was getting us nowhere. We waited. We just kept wondering what they would say if Schiller’s walls could talk. So we went to the source: The walls themselves.
Schiller features state-of-the-art and ready to be seen through, crystal clear pieces of shimmering, Italian glass. It begs you to throw rocks through those godforsaken windows. Floor after floor. All you see is your sad reflection in the glass cage that is a classroom. Then it clicked.
We finally started to see what was in front of our eyes the whole time. It was all smoke and mirrors. Classroom after classroom, that blue yet delectable liquid. Windex. Every piece of glass was remarkably clean. Too clean.
Classic reporting has finally uncovered the twisted underbelly of Boston College’s financing. The Schiller Institute did not come from some Phil Schiller. No, not at all. Windex has been covertly financing the Schiller Institute, funneling vast amounts of cash in a convoluted and sinister plot to sell more products. The New England Classic is devastated to report that a corporation seems to have put its profits before people. It is truly a sickening display of material greed.
As the only legitimate news source on campus, we at the Classic hate to break this news like this. If we had known they built the entire inside out of glass because a cleaning solution company was financing the entire operation, we would have said something a long time ago!
At press time, an engineering professor was spotted working on a piece of machinery that’s worth more than you. 
