LTE: Adieu! I Killed The Guy Who Spoiled The Wordle For Me
LTE February 9, 2022 The New England Classic
April showers may bring May flowers, but February snow often brings a mental health plateau. It seemed I was on track to have a horribly depressing winter until one magnificent word wizard, Mr. Josh Wardle came along to grant the world a little reprieve with his creation, Wordle.
Recently, the only twinkle of light in my days is getting to wake up and play this silly little game. There truly is no drug that could compete with the endorphin rush I experience when those teasing green squares reveal themselves. “We’re proud of you, Johnny,” they whisper to me, “You’re a real clever and cool cat. Your dad and Maggie from Econometrics are both fools for not recognizing that.” In that moment, I am the smartest person alive, despite the 10 million other people who simultaneously solve it. I’m better than them, somehow.
So imagine my horror when I opened Snapchat in the morning and saw on the story of some punk from my Portico class freshmen year a screenshot of the Wordle for the day with a caption “hehe XD.”
As if it weren’t bad enough already, his starting word was BALLS. Anyone who truly appreciates the mental maneuverings of the sport would recognize that BALLS is a terrible, shortsighted starting word with double letters and only one vowel. Ugh! I bet that’s why it took him five tries to guess the word ZESTY. I would have most certainly gotten it in three tries, as I tend to do, if it weren’t for his horrendous act.
Long story short, I killed him. Yes, that was the most appropriate reaction. The gory details aren’t necessary but here’s a summary that Mr. Wardle would approve of – SABER, BLOOD, ALIVE, AGONY, then LATER…DEATH. CROAK!
I know killing thy neighbor is sinful but I don’t think God or any Bible junkie alike could ever have predicted that one’s neighbor would do something as utterly fucked up as spoiling the Wordle.
Father Leahy and the local authorities were made aware of the crime and have decided to take no disciplinary or criminal action, citing the murder as 100% justified. In fact, they are naming me Citizen of the Month for my service to the community.
If murder were so wrong, it wouldn’t have five letters, right? Wait.
