Underage Candidate’s Presidential Campaign In Doubt Following Fake ID Purge

No victims were spared in what many are calling the “Great Fake ID Purge of 2022.” John Atoms (MCAS ’25) learned this the hard way when his Oval Office bid was abruptly cut short. The 19-year-old Political Science major hoped to utilize a fake ID to skirt around the 35-year-old minimum age requirement for the presidency.

“In the first week of school, a kid in my Perspectives class asked if I wanted to be in on a fake order,” Atoms said. “He wanted to ‘roll Sunset,’ but I wanted to ‘roll the 101st Airborne Division into the Crimean Peninsula.’”

“Weirdly, John kept on insisting that the birth year on his card be 1986,” said Wead Deeler (CSOM ’25), who organized the fake ID order. “He said he wanted a Pennsylvania ID because ‘they’re easy to fake, and it’s a battleground state.’”

Atoms tapped his pickup basketball buddy, Ball Tuhard (MCAS ’25), to be his campaign adviser. Tuhard is an ardent supporter of Atoms’ campaign. “I just think there’s too much division in this country,” said Tuhard. “Too much multiplication, also. Just too much math in general. That’s something John can fix.”

Tuhard added that he signed on to the campaign position under the stipulation that John “quadruples the bong shop population of Chestnut Hill.”

Atoms’ campaign was steering towards rough waters as initial reports suggested election officials were black-boxing IDs at the first presidential debate. After the FBI sting, Atoms is currently searching for other ways to falsify his age. Initial reports suggest that he is increasing his Buzzfeed consumption and aggressively sneaking Lord of the Rings references into all campaign materials.

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