Kid Farts
FreezerStudent Life January 18, 2019
COMMONWEALTH AVENUE — According to several witnesses, Jaymes Bennington (LSOE ’20), farted on the Commonwealth Avenue bus at approximately 11:40 PM Thursday, January 17th. One witness described a disturbing rumble coming from the rear stairwell after several riders entered the bus at the Reservoir stop. Although unidentified at the... Read more
FOSTER STREET — After paying their most recent heating bill, the residents of 288 Foster St. have saved $183 this past December. Although Boston has been experiencing a winter with temperatures at record-breaking lows, the juniors maintained a comfortable, humid temperature in their home by hosting extremely sweaty parties... Read more
“¡Ÿó! Whât’š ūp brõ¿” Reports Student Coming Back From Abroad
Abroad January 16, 2019
UNITED STATES — Friends and acquaintances of Linda Wilkins (MCAS ’20) have raised concerns over her “peculiar” new speech habits. Wilkins, who spent the fall semester studying abroad in Barcelona, for some reason started speaking with a nondescript Pan-European accent upon returning to campus. “I saw Linda in the... Read more
Mary Ann’s Reopens As Mary Jane’s
Boston January 15, 2019
It is a disgrace, according to Tokin, that the only bar in the entire city of Boston is being replaced by another dispensary, and that harmless alcoholic drinks are being replaced by a dangerous, illegal substance.
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YAWKEY ATHLETICS CENTER — Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss this Wednesday’s matchup against Boise State at the First Responder Bowl in Dallas after being left home alone by the team. The head coach’s absence from the team comes at “a very unfortunate time” for the... Read more
Local Satire Paper Officially Out Of Ideas
Student Life December 3, 2018
CARNEY HALL — According to recent insider reports, Boston College’s only satire publication, The New England Classic, has officially run out of ideas. This revelation comes after an 11-year string of news stories, sketch videos, and football coach video games which some are calling “questionable work, at best.” Yesterday, an... Read more
Aging Sophomore Can’t Drink Like She Used To
Drinking November 29, 2018
90 SAINT THOMAS MORE RD. — In a groggy haze, Sarah Flaunder (MCAS ‘21) came to the harrowing realization last Saturday that she can’t handle as much alcohol as she could “back in her youth.” Between gulps of Gatorade, the 19-year-old reported that she had an “uncomfortable mix” of... Read more
CAB Holding Auditions For O’Neill Plaza Christmas Tree
HolidaysStudent Life November 28, 2018
This year’s contenders include Bjorn, a Norway spruce; Elrik, a Douglas fir; Gustav, a Lodgepole pine; and Alex (CSOM ‘19), a marketing major.
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THE ADDAZIO RESIDENCE – Boston College head football coach Steve Addazio may miss the team’s matchup against Syracuse after it was reported early Saturday morning that Addazio had still yet to be excused from Thursday’s Thanksgiving dinner table after refusing to eat the vegetables on his plate. While other... Read more
PARMA, ITALY — A Boston College student studying abroad at the University of Parma is being held in police custody after setting an entire bar on fire. Police reports indicate that the student, Candace Whiteshire (CSOM ‘20), smoked an entire pack of cigarettes before accidentally dropping a still-burning dart... Read more