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Our Takeaways From The State Of The Union Address

Big Issues February 7, 2019

The State of the Union is a very formal occasion, and its guests must dress as such. Per a policy originating in the 1920 Treaty of Versailles, sweatpants are not, under any circumstances, permissible, and only certain types of jeans are allowed (depending on how well they are accessorized/bedazzled).

BC Megadonor Excited For Rec Center To Be Called “New Plex”

Campus Culture Sports February 6, 2019

MARGOT CONNELL RECREATION CENTER™ — Boston College trustee associate Margot C. Connell (Hon. ’09) announced on Wednesday that she is looking forward to students using and enjoying the “New Plex” when it opens later this year. This nickname, already growing in popularity among the student body, is believed to... Read more

Aspiring Sommelier Pairs Mango Juul Pod With Lime Rubi

Campus Culture Drinking February 5, 2019

“I have lots more pairings coming soon,” Rider said. “I just copped some tobacco pods, I think they’ll go really well with unflavored Rubi. I’ll probably expand into dab pen stuff soon, that market is growing so fast, you know?”

QUIZ: Is She Into You, Or Just Trying To Get 500+ LinkedIn Connections?

Quizzes February 4, 2019

Love appears in the most unexpected places, but how can you know when it’s really real? That cute girl from your finance class just connected with you on LinkedIn, and you think it could be L-O-V-E. But you have to know for sure. Take this quiz to definitively find... Read more

Embarrassing! Tom Brady Accidentally Kisses His Wife Instead Of His Kids

Boston Sports February 3, 2019

ATLANTA — In one of the most egregiously humiliating gaffes of the 21st century, Tom Brady kissed Giselle Bündchen, wife of almost 10 years, instead of his 12-year old son Jack on Sunday afternoon in the lead up to Super Bowl LIII. The Patriots quarterback reportedly kisses his son... Read more

Conte Forum Outsources Extra Space During Basketball Games To Chemistry Department

Freezer Sports February 1, 2019

CONTE FORUM — Citing an extreme lack of ticket sales, the Boston College men’s basketball team has decided to outsource the extra space in Conte Forum during home games. The move aims to provide the university with a solution to the classroom deficit caused by the imminent closing of... Read more

Weird: My Roommate Gets An Allowance From His Parents, But Still Wants Me To Pay Him Back For Stealing His Ketamine

WTF January 31, 2019

Sources close to my roommate, Alex Milford (CSOM ’21), have reported that his parents, Jane (CSOM ’93) and Lawrence Milford (MCAS ’94) give him a monthly allowance. This information brings into question Milford’s recent assertion that he needed me to pay him back for the ketamine I stole from... Read more

Do Not Stand Idly By As BC Destroys Its Finest Cultural Institution

Big Issues Campus Culture January 30, 2019

Here at The New England Classic, our editorial Sandwichboard rarely, if ever, directly comments on campus ongoings. In most normal situations, we believe that clever satire and silly photoshops can say a heck of a lot more than whatever comes out of soapbox shouting and editorial grandstanding. Unfortunately, this... Read more

Athletics Raises $150 Million Selling Knives

Leahy WTF January 29, 2019

“You know, when the CutCo division of Vector reached out and told us we could make up to $18.50 an hour with a flexible schedule and great co-workers, we were definitely hesitant,” noted Jarmond. “But once we got every single athletics employee running the phones, calling friends and distant cousins, the results really spoke for themselves.”

RA Candidate Found Stuck In Window After Fleeing Sophomore Party

Drinking ResLife January 28, 2019

90 ST. THOMAS MORE ROAD — Saturday night, 54% of Luke Oglethorpe (MCAS ‘21) was found hanging out of a window of 90 after resident assistants knocked on the door of the party he was attending. Oglethorpe recently submitted his application to be a freshman RA and did not... Read more