The New England Classic
Guy Who Hates Christmas Ready To Make It His Whole Personality

Neighbor Holly Day (LSOE ’23) said, “My roommates and I were just enjoying our evening, stringing lights in the living room, when all of a sudden there was a deafening knock on the door. When I opened the door, I was greeted by a fervent noise complaint from an angry man in a nightcap who looked like he could have been either 22 or 82.”

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SPOOKY: Freshman Ridiculed For Not Wearing Halloween Costume On Halloween

“Don’t be all uncool and skip out on wearing a costume because I’m being serious when I say EVERYONE wears costumes for Halloween classes.”

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SPOOKY: Hillside Halloween Decorations Come To Life, Eat All The Frips

“First thing I noticed were the decorations, them being alive and all I mean,” said Einstein. “The second thing I noticed was that we were all out of Frips.”

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SPOOKY: Blandest Person You Know Going As Maddy From Euphoria For Halloween

One young avant-garde, Mary Muhndane (MCAS ’25), was blessed with a stroke of genius with the most original idea to go as Maddy from the little-watched trauma porn, I mean show, Euphoria, on HBO.

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SPOOKY: I Got Sent TOO Many Condomgrams

Talherpes soon came to understand that her boyfriend was sending her these candy bags filled with cryptic messages about her sexual health. For Talherpes, the condomgrams quickly lost their shine and became signs of a potential medical emergency.

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SPOOKY: Father Leahy To Dress As Active Member Of Community For Halloween
HELL — Celebrities: they’re just like us. Sources report that Father Leahy has been repeatedly spotted ravaging through his glass closet for the perfect set of costumes for Halloweekend. After choosing to save slutty nun and climate terrorist for Saturday and Sunday; Father Leahy still needed to find the... Read more
Light Coming From Alumni Stadium At Night Actually Just Football Players Playing Flashlight Tag

However, Dropper quickly noticed that some players were holding flashlights and realized that something completely different was going on. They were giggling and chasing each other around in a rollicking game of flashlight tag. Dropper told the Classic, “I knew some of the players frequently used flashlights, but I didn’t think they were ever to be seen or sanitary enough to be touched by other people.”

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“I Have No Idea Why Everyone Is Sick” Says Classmate Who Just Spat In Your Mouth

Guy Grossie (CSOM ’23) can’t seem to wrap his head around how illness spreads, or his coloring homework. Grossie, of course, has also fallen victim to the “throat tickle.” He describes the ordeal as “not too bad,” describing it as “a sore throat for only a couple months, debilitating fatigue, and a gnarly cough.”

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Passive Aggressive Roommate Posts All Her BeReals While Cleaning

Nadia Mohm (Lynch ‘23), fed up with the five other slobs she cohabitates with, has enacted the strategy of exclusively posting pictures of her cleaning up after them around the apartment.

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Freshmen RA’s Now Offer A Goodnight Kiss To Homesick Residents

With the removal of all Covid restrictions on campus, the Residence Hall Association is delighted to announce that Resident Advisors will now offer goodnight kisses to all homesick students.

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