5 Places Your Short Ginger Friend May Be Hiding Today
Happy St. Patrick’s Day, lads and lassies! The New England Classic is aware of the sudden disappearances of short gingers from County Cork to Suffolk County. But fear not! If your little red-headed friend is nowhere to be found at the end of the rainbow, then the Classic has you covered! We’ve listed the top-5 most likely hiding places for your short ginger friend on this grand day. Sláinte!
1. Drinking Away Sins in a Church Confessional
A recent decree from the Catholic Church said that wishing death upon someone is a wee bit of a sin, but surely an exception must be made if that person is Queen Elizabeth II. After leading the pub singalong of anti-royalist tunes like “Lizzy’s in a Box,” the baby-Jesus-threats of eternal damnation may have caught up to your friend. Take a gander into the St. Ignatius confession booth to see if they’re knee-deep in Hail Marys, Our Fathers, or some fine Irish whiskey. Catholic guilt is a dangerous drug. Also, since when have the Irish taken bloody orders from the Vatican? Éirinn go Brách!
2. CVS Sunscreen Aisle
The calendar has turned to mid-March, and the UV indexes are creeping up from 1 to 2! Perhaps your pint-sized pal has taken refuge in the SPF 110+ section. For this Irishman, 90 SPF sunscreen on Punta beach was about as effective as binging Derry Girls to study for that Irish Literature exam.
3. Digging for Potatoes on Stokes Amphitheater to Stop Impending Famine
Maybe this one’s a bit too soon. Let’s move on.
4. Miss Julia’s Third Grade Classroom at Newton Elementary
It has to be a coincidence, right? Ireland’s most wanted 3’3” fugitive has Newton’s 8-year-olds in shambles. The lure of Lucky Charms (allergen-free), silly bands, and pride flags is irresistible for a leprechaun…or maybe your ginger friend! Maybe this reminder of your classroom leprechaun’s tomfoolery just unlocked a core memory for you, but if your friend looks like she was in the frontlines of a wee explosion at Michael’s arts and crafts, you may want to take her into hiding with the IRA before Interpol comes calling.
5. Phil Jurkovec’s “Run Like You’ve Stolen a Pot of Gold and are Shipping Up Boston” 5K to End Cultural Appropriation
I can’t trust this pain in the arse to read a defense, but I trust his reading recommendations for “Say Nothing” and “Dubliners.”
Classic intelligence indicates that former Boston College quarterback and current McGovern Auto salesman Phil Jurkovec (MCAS ’22) organized a fun run from Gasson Hall to the Rat baked potato line. He’s here to remind you, via Instagram, that Notre Dame fans are all just Disney adults who commit human rights violations when they sing “Shipping Up to Boston.”