CSOM Students Search “What’s Going On In Ukraine Right Now” Following Commencement Speaker Announcement
FULTON HALL — Boston College recently announced that Oksana Markarova, Ukraine’s Ambassador to the U.S., will be the commencement speaker for the class of 2023. However, many of our beloved students working with a limited world view and the minimum 2 social science core classes were left perplexed by the choice. Naturally, the most out of touch discourse you’ve ever heard began within the walls of Fulton Hall.
“Ukraine? Ohhhh isn’t that a Fintech startup based out of New York? Yeah, I’m pretty sure they’re still in their Series A phase, so it’s not really something that is worth my time to listen to whoever the fuck this OkSaNa MArKaRoVa [horribly mispronouned, of course] chick is,” proclaimed Cell Owt (CSOM ’23).
To his point, why would Boston College, an educational institution meant to mold its students into positively contributing members of society, bring someone on the frontline of one of the world’s largest global issues to speak to graduating seniors? Owt may be right. The students of Boston College would be infinitely better off hearing from someone who spends 80 hours a week working for a company that doesn’t care if its employees and consumers live or die.
However, one quick google search informed Owt that Ukraine is in fact not a new peer-to-peer lending platform, but rather a nation state that is being viciously and unjustly invaded by neighboring Russia.
“Great. I was already upset that I was gonna have to hear from someone who works at a lousy start up, but now I have to hear about war during the whole graduation? Jesus, that’s just really gonna kill the whole vibe. What next? We have to hear about sexism and racism during Senior Week? Give it a fucking rest for god’s sake,” Owt complained to his group of carbon copy friends.
At press time, Owt was seen attempting to point out Ukraine on a map of the Middle East.