Wow! This Man Knows Words Like “Interdisciplinary” But Not “Sorry”
LOWEST POINT IN YOUR LIFE — You know him, I know him, we all know him; and we all wish that we didn’t. He’s a modern phenomenon, an unnatural mutation from human nature: a man who is on his journey of deconstructing toxic masculinity by somehow becoming a worse person.
Prestigious liberal arts institutions seem to function as a breeding ground for these unfortunate creatures. At these institutions, men learn lots of words, and even remember some of them too! However, they consistently use these words in lieu of the simple 2 syllable option “sorry.” We here at the Classic have compiled a list of fancy phrases that these men often utter, in order to save you the trouble and therapy bill. (Payments expressing your gratitude can be made payable to The New England Classic by check)
1. “I’m sorry that you feel that way.” If he says this we recommend throwing a scalding hot cup of coffee on his crotch and then telling him, “I’m sorry that you feel burnt.”
2. “That was not my intention in the slightest. I would never want to hurt you.” We see him on this one, but we raise him with the response, “What exactly was your intention when you kissed my forehead and then told me that you weren’t looking for anything serious at the moment?”
3. “You’re being totally unreasonable right now.” You only asked him to not check out other women while you guys are on a date. He hasn’t asked you a question in 20 minutes and has mentioned how he “could totally start a hit podcast,” 4 times. Show him what unreasonable really looks like.
4. “Did you consider how telling me that would make me feel?” Well. You told him that he only picks and chooses when he wants to pay attention to you based on if he’s horny or not; so you were hoping it would make him feel bad? You missed the mark by assuming that he possesses basic empathy. The Classic affirms that this one is on you.
5. “How was I supposed to know that?!?” Use that big ole brain of yours, slugger. We’ve heard you talk about how Pulp Fiction is “really about this unspoken and overlooked sexual tension between Mia and Vincent,” so we know that you’re more than capable of recognizing the obvious.
6. “Oh yeah? Well you know that 5 years ago I was in a car accident where the airbags deployed? Yeah the ambulance came and everything and I almost had to go to the hospital. You know it’s been really hard for me since, and you should understand that.” YES! He struck gold with this one. Bringing up an unrelated and irrelevant past event is the perfect way to shift the conversation away from his wrongdoings.
7. “You know, the way you’re acting right now reminds me a lot of my mom and just the way that she treated me.” Run. Leave everything behind if you have to. Just get out of there.