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Senior Completes Arduous Marathon Monday Drinking Training Regimen

Holidays Old Articles Student Life April 12, 2016

Tout predicts that the hardest stretch of his Monday afternoon will occur roughly around 20 beers into the drinking marathon, which is widely referred to as the infamous “Heart Failure Hill.”

The NEC Endorses An Autocratic Monarchy For UGBC Executive Presidency

Old Articles March 30, 2016

FROM THE CLASSIC’S EDITORIAL BOARD: Like a potato reaching the apex of golden crispiness in an oven at a roasting 375ºF, the UGBC presidential campaign season is drawing near its end. After several contentious debates and extensive campaigning, the field has narrowed to only three teams, who have all... Read more

Econ Major Is Basically In CSOM, Okay?

Old Articles School March 29, 2016

NOT FULTON — Sitting in Devlin 008 during Environmental Geoscience and updating his resume and LinkedIn profile while searching for summer internships on Wall Street, sophomore Devin Gattison (MCAS ‘18) firmly reminded himself that he’s basically in CSOM, okay? Gattison, who deeply regrets not applying to be in CSOM... Read more

BC Unveils New Motto: “Men And Women For Others Who Are Straight And Have Two Working Legs”

Leahy Old Articles March 16, 2016

“BC is a university built on tradition, and that means we must resist all pressures to change with the times.”

Noble Students Embarking On Personal Service Trips Over Spring Break

Old Articles Service March 4, 2016

LOGAN AIRPORT — With adulthood looming just around the corner, many of Boston College’s seniors plan to spend their Spring Breaks on “personal service trips” to Punta Cana. Sources confirm that seniors embark on these weeklong trips as a last-ditch effort to adhere to the traditional college experience. These... Read more

Juniors Desperately Praying To Live In Cramped Shithole

Old Articles Student Life February 29, 2016

“I want to do terrible things inside that tiny domicile that I will not be able to get away with in the real world, when my JP Morgan internship inevitably turns into a full-time offer!”

Study: “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward” BC’s Most Common Party Theme

Old Articles Student Life February 28, 2016

MCGUINN HALL — A groundbreaking anthropology study released Sunday morning revealed that Boston College’s most commonly used party theme is “Hot, Sweaty, and Awkward.” This finding stunned researchers, who initially hypothesized that “Flannels and Handles” or “Plex Bros and Yoga Hoes” was the favorite party theme of undergraduate Eagles.... Read more

Dave’s Hometown Friend Visiting This Weekend Is “Like, Super Chill”

Old Articles Student Life February 25, 2016

WALSH HALL — Sophomore Dave Mitzle (MCAS ’20) surprised his roommates earlier this week with the announcement that his best friend from high school, Nhat Welkim, will be visiting Boston College over the weekend. According to multiple unconfirmed reports, Dave took the time to repeatedly stress that his buddy... Read more

Student Unable to Hear God’s Voice Due to Noise-Canceling Headphones

Old Articles February 19, 2016

GASSON HALL — After years of skating through theology requirements and morning prayers during his tedious Catholic education, Chett Hoffdoden, CSON ’17 finally experienced the miracle of divine intervention as God’s voice came from the heavens to talk to him. Unfortunately, Chett was unable to hear God’s message because... Read more

Student In Suit Must Be Important

Student Life February 10, 2016

BOSTON COLLEGE — Turning heads and sparking private hypotheses as to what exactly he was going to or coming from, junior Kyle Andersonian (CSOM ‘17) was spotted sporting a suit and tie early Wednesday morning by multiple trustworthy sources. Despite eyewitnesses’ not possessing any knowledge of Andersonian’s age, socioeconomic... Read more