Articles | Page 90 of 94 | The New England Classic

Catholic Priests Added to Endangered Species List

Jesuits Old Articles February 7, 2016

GLAND, SWITZERLAND — The International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) announced today that the Roman Catholic Priest (Romanos Catholicus sacerdos) has been added to the group’s list of endangered species. The organization cited lack of faith, startups, and sexual intercourse as the three chief causes for the rapid... Read more

Student Sits In Different Seat Third Week Of Class, Disrupts Space-Time Continuum

Old Articles School February 3, 2016

STOKES 113S — Reportedly thinking that she was just going to casually change things up a bit, Allison Linus (MCAS ‘19) accidentally caused a catastrophic disruption to the space-time continuum Tuesday afternoon when she sat in a different seat than she had been sitting in during the first two weeks... Read more

Lazy Bastard Only Has One Major

Old Articles School January 29, 2016

Apparently unaware that it’s possible to have two majors and a minor, Ed Stillman (MCAS ‘17) reportedly only has one major—philosophy—and isn’t planning on adding another anytime soon. “We’re worried about poor Ed and his apparent apathy for his own well being,” said his friend Tommy Flapjacks (MCAS ‘17),... Read more

4Newton Founded To Help Affluent Locals In Need

Service January 27, 2016

“I’ve needed someone to cut my grass ever since my gardeners from El Salvador left to go visit their families after they were devastated by gang violence. Thanks, Obama!”

Senior Finally Receives Fake ID Ordered Freshman Year

Old Articles Student Life January 22, 2016

Boston College senior Al Cohall (MCAS ‘16) celebrated this morning after his fake ID, which he ordered with old friends the second week of freshman year, finally arrived in the mail. Cohall, a native of Altoona, Pennsylvania, ordered the Connecticut driver’s license to be sent to his Keyes North room... Read more

After Raising $1.5 Billion, Leahy Still Waiting for a Couple Assholes to Venmo Him

Jesuits Old Articles January 19, 2016

ST. MARY’S HALL—Boston College made fundraising history this week with the completion of its “Light The World” campaign, successfully pulling in $1.5 billion dollars (a stunning 4% of Harvard’s endowment). Unfortunately, Fr. William P. Leahy, SJ is dissatisfied with the effort and reportedly still waiting for “a couple asshole... Read more

BC Installs Oil Rig As Symbol of Dedication To Fossil Fuel Investment

Old Articles December 1, 2015

“A university is a business, and an expensive one at that. Drill, baby, drill!”

University Counseling Services Offering Thanksgiving Break-Up Hotline

Old Articles Sex Student Life November 25, 2015

GASSON HALL — Acutely aware that it’s a perilous time of year for many doe-eyed freshmen still clinging onto their long-distance relationships with high school sweethearts, Boston College’s University Counseling Services is offering a 24/7 hotline open from November 25th until November 29th for any first-year student that may... Read more

Students, Clocks Become One During 48 Hours

Freshmen Old Articles Student Life November 24, 2015

NEWPORT, RI — Nestled among the scenic shops and mansions of Newport, Rhode Island, freshmen and senior mentors recently spent 48 Hours becoming one with the passage of time. The two-day retreat opened with the first hour, reported students. Then the next few hours passed. Students noted they initially... Read more

Notre Dame Struggling to Find Single-Sex Hotel in Boston

Old Articles Sex November 19, 2015

FENWAY — Ranked 5th in the country and boasting a 9-1 record, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish are having an outstanding football season. Most sportscasters have Notre Dame crushing the Boston College Eagles in their upcoming matchup on the hallowed grounds of Fenway Park. Unfortunately, the boys from South... Read more