Addazio Hospitalized After Accidentally Ingesting Four Tide Pods, Will Miss Syracuse Game
AddazioOld Articles October 21, 2016
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — At 11:36pm on Thursday evening, Boston College EMS received an emergency call notifying them of an unconscious man on the floor of the Walsh laundry room. Upon their arrival to the laundry room, the volunteer EMTs quickly identified the man as Steve Addazio, head... Read more
Pre-Law Student Filibusters Walsh RD Meeting For Ten Hours, Escapes All Disciplinary Action
Old Articles October 16, 2016
WALSH HALL — After a wild Saturday night on the third floor of Boston College’s iconic sophomore shithole, the rowdy yet lovable boys of Walsh 307 found themselves in some seriously hot water. Following a handful of noise complaints and a couple of tip-offs from ResLife insiders, a crack team of RAs... Read more
EPA Warns College Campuses About Dangerous, Invasive A Cappella Groups
Old Articles October 12, 2016
LYONS HALL — In a statement released last week, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a warning to colleges across the nation about the newest environmental, economic, and cultural threat to their campuses: a cappella groups. Among other dangers, the report focuses on a cappella groups’ invasive tendencies, citing studies... Read more
Addazio To Miss Tonight’s Game Against Clemson After Buying Jersey Boys Tickets “Like Months Ago”
AddazioOld Articles October 7, 2016
BOSTON OPERA HOUSE — It appears as if the Eagles Football team will be flying without the head of their flock for Friday’s big game against Clemson. Amidst the already daunting task of going up against the #3-ranked team and Heisman hopeful Deshaun Watson, head coach Steve Addazio held a last-minute... Read more
Dad Beats GPS’ Estimated Trip Time Driving To Campus, Reports Dad
Old Articles September 30, 2016
CHESTNUT HILL — Beaming with pride as he exited his 2014 BMW, Gerard Fisher, father of student Jonathan Fisher (CSOM ’19) reported that he had managed to beat his car GPS’s estimated time of arrival by over 10 minutes. “The navigation system told me we’d be here by 2:13,... Read more
BC Administration Clarifies: ‘No, We’re Not Being Silent, We’re Just Ignoring You.’
Old Articles September 30, 2016
GASSON HALL — In the wake of Thursday’s “Solidarity March” that inspired hundreds of students to speak out against the injustices committed against marginalized populations on their campus, administrators issued a statement on Thursday afternoon: “We see you, we hear you, and we just don’t care.” When a group of students... Read more
Freshman Rejected From Serving Others Dedicates Life To Evil
Old Articles September 25, 2016
THE FORTRESS OF SERVITUDE — After a devastating rejection from 4Boston and being told that she’s “not good enough to help other people,” freshman Kelly Strickland (MCAS ‘20) has vowed to devote her life to evil, chaos, and devastation. She has reportedly assumed the supervillain alias “Miss Disservice” and... Read more
With Wagner Game Tomorrow, Addazio Looking To Relive Glory Days As High School Bully
AddazioOld ArticlesSports September 23, 2016
STATEN ISLAND, NY — As Boston College’s first home approaches tomorrow afternoon, no one is more eager for kickoff than the Eagles’ head coach Steve Addazio, Farmington High’s premiere bully from 1973-1977. After suffering what can only be described as a total embarrassment last week in a 49-0 loss to Virginia... Read more
Student Shocked To Learn ‘They Didn’t Have Cell Phones Back Then, Class’
Old ArticlesSchool September 21, 2016
STOKES SOUTH — In an incident that would leave them speechless, students in the 1:00PM section of HIST1169 Atlantic Worlds were reportedly “shocked to the innermost part of their being” when their professor revealed that “they didn’t have cell phones back then.” The students’ mind-blowing paradigm shift was only... Read more
Overinvolved Sophomore Finally Busy Enough To Forget Crippling Loneliness
FeaturedOld ArticlesStudent Life September 12, 2016
“Now I’m only sad right before I go to bed, and that’s only if I’m not too exhausted to fall asleep before I have time to reflect on how unhappy I am!”
Read more