Freshman Rejected From Serving Others Dedicates Life To Evil
THE FORTRESS OF SERVITUDE — After a devastating rejection from 4Boston and being told that she’s “not good enough to help other people,” freshman Kelly Strickland (MCAS ‘20) has vowed to devote her life to evil, chaos, and devastation. She has reportedly assumed the supervillain alias “Miss Disservice” and plans on starting with smaller tasks like bashing pots and pans outside of 4Boston’s weekly reflections “so they can barely even hear the Mumford & Sons in the background” and then eventually moving on to “bigger and more horrible things” like building a super-laser with enough power to vaporize all of the world’s oceans.
Strickland applied to 4Boston with nothing but good intentions. She dreamed of making the world a better place, “starting locally in Boston and then maybe eventually abroad for the Peace Corps or something.” Upon receiving word that she had been granted an interview two weeks ago, Strickland immediately began preparing for any question that might be asked of her. Sources indicate that she left her interview feeling “incredibly confident.” However, 4Boston rejected Strickland, stating that while they would have liked to welcome Strickland to the organization, they simply did not have the space to accommodate everyone who applied.
“As soon as I saw the email with the subject ‘4Boston Decisions,’ my life changed forever,” explained Strickland, disguised as Miss Disservice. “I used to think I was a relatively good person. I didn’t mind the thought of volunteering four hours of my time to help others. I wanted to do it. But now that I know I’m not good enough to help out, I will not rest until all good is driven out of the madhouse we call Earth.” Sources close to Strickland report that she is in talks with notorious evildoer C. C. Doom, a Club Club Lacrosse reject who is looking forward to teaming up with Strickland to “become men and women for evil and end life on this campus as we know it.”
At press time, 4Boston representatives had just released an official statement to the press: “While our organization does occasionally motivate murderous rampages of vengeance, we think that our commitment to service in healthcare, education, and social service, makes 4Boston a net positive for the city of Boston.”