EPA Warns College Campuses About Dangerous, Invasive A Cappella Groups
LYONS HALL — In a statement released last week, the Environmental Protection Agency issued a warning to colleges across the nation about the newest environmental, economic, and cultural threat to their campuses: a cappella groups. Among other dangers, the report focuses on a cappella groups’ invasive tendencies, citing studies which reveal their ability to increase exponentially in number as competition in the campus environment tightens. A cappella groups tend to start in small numbers, explains the report, but then rapidly increase as rejects from the original groups begin to branch off and form tight-knit communities of baritones, tenors, altos, and beat-boxers on their own.
Boston EPA representative Tom Savide, a graduate of Stanford University’s School of Earth, Energy, and Environmental Sciences, went into detail with The Classic in an exclusive interview about a cappella groups’ threat to Boston College: “There are currently eight officially registered a cappella groups at Boston College, and God only knows how many are creeping in the shadows,” warned Savide. “Many amateurs will tell you that a cappella groups became a threat to campuses after Pitch Perfect’s 2012 release, however, I promise you these bastards have been dangerous since before Anna Kendrick could even hold a cup. They are extremely resistant to extinction, and will not hesitate to use their voices to congregate the masses at semi-formal charity events.”
Savide went on to explain that newer a cappella groups are particularly dangerous and resilient because of their unique ability to diversify in the environment. Mentioning that groups nowadays are able to mix and mash top-100 hits across genres and sometimes even languages, Savide fears that the onslaught of cappella groups cannot be stopped and will continue to snowball out of control until every last college student is “humming and grooving through sweet, sweet harmonies.” “They’re everywhere from promotional videos to orientation performances. Gone are the days when a cappella singers were low on universities’ social totem poles. Now that they’re becoming a key selling point to prospective students hoping to make friends and get involved in a competitive but fun environment where they can feel a sense of belonging and community, all hope is lost!” cried Savide.
All hope may not be lost, however. While the EPA refers to the current state of a cappella groups as “worrying,” they are currently working on a comprehensive, multi-step plan to deal with the issue “at its core.” The government agency recommends that that universities take precautionary measures against a cappella groups by reminding people people of the good old days when sports and tailgating were more important than addictively sweet vocal mash-ups of Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift, and Nelly.
At press time, a cappella groups had just made their newest adaptation to allow them to thrive in the Boston College campus ecosystem: exclusive wine nights in the Mods.