The New England Classic
Professor Brings Food On Last Day Of Class To Fatten Her Calves Before Slaughter

Professor Brings Food On Last Day Of Class To Fatten Her Calves Before Slaughter

Old ArticlesSchool May 5, 2016 The New England Classic

STOKES HALL — Wearing a devilish grin that only she knew the true meaning behind, English professor Sheila Brownstone brought three dozen donuts from... Professor Brings Food On Last Day Of Class To Fatten Her Calves Before Slaughter

STOKES HALL — Wearing a devilish grin that only she knew the true meaning behind, English professor Sheila Brownstone brought three dozen donuts from Dunkin to her final Studies in Narrative class on Thursday at 10:30 AM.

While her students think that Professor Brownstone is “just the sweetest,” others aren’t so certain about her benevolence. Experts warn that Professor Brownstone, who was fired from Bard College in 2012 for her occultish beliefs and behavior, is likely planning to sacrifice a handful of her students after they take her final exam.

“Behind Brownstone’s seemingly genial gesture of gratitude for her students’ efforts in her class throughout the semester is the ulterior motive of increasing their body fat before she brutally murders them sometime next week,” said Mayan historian and local witch hunter Andrew Bucknell.

While her naive students are sedated with trans fats and sugar, Brownstone is quite possibly preparing to appease the gods and win their favor for her next harvest in her miniature garden of tomatoes, lettuce, and lavender.

Sources close to Brownstone say that she does not feel any guilt when taking the lives of her innocent students because she believes their souls will be immediately taken to the afterlife, where the English majors will not have to worry about post-graduation employment.