The New England Classic
UNC vs. BC: Is This Elder Abuse?

Countless messages in the class of 2025 group me indicate that an “unc” ticket is the hottest one on the market.

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Uh-oh! Turns Out We’re Playing A FAKE School In Hockey Tonight

When Purter called the school’s athletics office to confirm tonight’s lines, he was met with an answering machine looking for inquiries into the disappearance of D.B. Cooper.

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UFC Fight Night – Paul VS Leahy

Leahy’s strict regimen consists of a healthy mix of  intense water aerobic dance, low intensity steady state cardio on the PhysioMax Commercial Total Body Exerciser Upper Body Ergometer and Recumbent BikeTM, and 10 sets of yoga ball “goofing off” until failure to finish it up. 

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An Overdue Celebration: Happy Men’s Week from The New England Classic!

Drink some beer. Cheat on your girlfriend. Call your mom a bitch. Eat some raw meat. Shoot a gun. Ball out. Go fucking crazy. This week is for us. Let’s bring back manly men.

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Letter To Thy Editor: Yes I Support Satan, Have You Seen Hell’s Economy?

Some support the omniscient and most holy God’s infallible plan for existence. However, they fail to consider the impact on tithes. Why is it that a hard-working king who took the risk to employ hundreds of serfs on his father’s land should be tithed more?

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LTE: I’m A Woman, I Would’ve Voted For Harris If She Taxed DJ Equipment And Podcast Microphones

He is making podcasting too expensive for your broke, bummy boyfriends who haven’t had jobs since they got fired from the dispensary they worked at for two weeks! That should be celebrated as a win for feminism!

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LTE: Dear BC Republicans, We Called You Short, Fat, And Ugly With Grubby Little Rat Hands, Not Racist

However, we, as BC students, will not stand with the lies that you posted in your op-ed. We said you were “short, fat, and ugly with grubby little rat hands.” We never called you racist.

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Heartbreaking: We Had A Whole Slate Of Articles Set For This Week But The Associated Press Had To Go And Fuck All That Up

Editors at the Classic watched in horror as several unpublished articles, which we had poured hours of blood, sweat, and tears into, became old, shriveled, and no longer funny right before our very eyes.

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Spooky! “Hallo, Ween!” German Exchange Student Confused About Phallic Holiday

“Zere are so many things zat I vould like to ask about zis unusual celebration of ze penises, starting vith all of zis talk of dressing up for ze occasion”

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Spooky! Your Roommate Is Dating Her Orientation Leader

“Kenny had an interesting approach, for sure,” said Johnny Damon (MCAS ’28), also in Coogur’s orientation group. “In the icebreaker, Katie revealed that her favorite pizza topping is anchovies, and Kenny immediately responded by saying his favorite BC fun fact is that 69% of Eagles marry each other.”

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