Nation Experiences Egg Shortage After Baldwin Gives Up Sex For Lent
BaldwinSex March 11, 2025 The New England Classic
BALDWIN’S NEST— The price of an egg at Hillside is now more than the cost of a 3-credit course, according to BC Dining Manager Crac King. This announcement comes just a day after Baldwin the Eagle revealed he would be giving up sex for Lent.
Baldwin said his decision was made after “deep personal reflection” on Boston College’s Jesuit values and the student code of conduct.
Baldwin admitted, “My, uh, daily flight takeoffs and landings probably weren’t setting the best example for the students.”
Berklee College’s Mingus the Jazz Cat, Baldwin’s closest friend, told the Classic that Baldwin’s “daily flight” is to his favorite nest in the Greater Boston area, where he and Brandeis’ Ollie the Owl get freaky on top of THAT one tree in the Newton Woods.
In a press conference, Fr. Leahy, S.J., blamed “tariffs” and “market conditions” for the lack of diversity (of breakfast offerings), claiming the shortage is a “completely separate issue from Baldwin’s sexual habits.”
When Leahy announced later in the conference that only Gabelli Pee-Scholars would be given priority access to eggs, tensions among the student body rose to an all-time high.
E. Gull Kink (CSOM 28’) was seen protesting outside The Rat, chanting, “Let Baldwin bonk!” She told the Classic, “Our nation needs a hero to spread their wings for big bird’s hard-boiled bahdonkey-donk. And I am the only one brave enough to do it!”
After seeing the distress among the student body, Baldwin released a public statement to defend his Lenten celibacy.
“I believe that, by giving up my daily slink, I can devote my full attention to my ever-so-demanding mascot duties. I have better things to focus on than my dear Ollie, like, posing erotically on that Linden Lane statue!”
In his statement, Baldwin admitted his decision was not an easy one. Only after he talked to Rhett, the BU Terrier, who decided to give up humping the other student section for Lent, did Baldwin decide to embark on a 40-day journey of self-control.
Baldwin said, “It was just inspiring seeing Rhett dedicate something so meaningful to the secular school he represents.”
Baldwin is also hoping to inspire others on campus to think more thoughtfully about their sexual behavior, “especially those on Walsh floor seven.”
Baldwin ended the two-page-long statement with echoes of hope, “If you want your omelets back, I guess you’ll just have to keep it in your pants for 40 days. Y’know, like Jesus did.”
