WALSH — Halloweekend is coming up and you know what that means, the sexual health club is making sure that everyone stays safe and spooky with their annual condomgrams. For some, condomgrams are a fun gift to send to friends, while for others, receiving a condomgram may remind them of the spookiest thing of all: an STD scare. For one student, Jen I. Talherpes (CSOM ’25), the typical Halloweekend fun was lost due to an irrational number of goodie bags left on her doorstep.
“When I saw 8 condomgrams outside of my door, I assumed each of my roommates got sent one. When we discovered my name was on all of them, I called my gynecologist,” Talherpes told the Classic. She added that the first bag had a note that stated: “Happy spooky season girl! Enjoy that killer dick this weekend [Smirking Face Emoji] [Purple Devil Emoji].”
Talherpes was amused that her friends thought to send her the gift. However, as she opened the rest of the goodie bags, she realized that the rest wouldn’t follow suit. Excited to read the second note, her jolly smile soon turned to a deep concern as it said, “Jen. You should probably get tested.”
Talherpes soon came to understand that her boyfriend was sending her these candy bags filled with cryptic messages about her sexual health. For Talherpes, the condomgrams quickly lost their shine and became signs of a potential medical emergency.
Talherpes concerningly ripped open the rest of the bags to find notes that laid out the rest of the story. Her boyfriend, maybe now ex-boyfriend, went on to say:
“Jen, I’m sorry, I feel really guilty. I got tested and I have chlamydia. She was in my marketing class–”.
“Okay so there’s a word limit to these. But basically I fucked up Jen. I fucked up really bad. My dick–”
“Hurts so bad. I’m so sorry Jen. I love you so much. Ever since we met, you were the one–”
Talherpes said that the rest of the notes became too intimate and deeply emotional to share with the Classic.
She rushed to UHS the next morning, only to get slut shamed, spat on, and pay $100 for an STD test with no conclusive results. She spent the rest of the weekend crying into the paper bag filled with gargling salt and a rosary given to her by a “UHS employee” which was really just Father Leahy dressed in a sexy nurse costume. After a frightening weekend, Talherpes ran into a friend on Monday who in a suggestive manner was curious to know whether or not she used those condoms she sent her. Talherpes responded, “there was definitely lots of screaming!”
Jen I. Talherpes’ Halloweekend ended with a year’s supply of condoms, 65 jolly ranchers, and a bag of Ibuprofen. The Classic wishes you a safe and sexy Halloween.