Local Royalist Turns Ginger Run into Running of the Bulls

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN MODS 15A AND 16B — Mass hysteria and panic blanketed the mods on Friday afternoon during the annual Running of the Gingers. Eyewitnesses reported that a 2,069-pound raging bull sent freckled sprinters fleeing for their lives through the mods’ cobbled roadways. Much of the sunburned population is still rattled by the event.

“Y’know I was eight pints deep making da rounds ‘round Mod 18B moving like a priest at last call, and next ting y’know I’m horn-to-arse with a feckin’ bull charging at me like I owed it a fiver,” said Róisín MacDonagh, one of 17 redheads on the BC Irish Dance team. “My heart still felt for the poor ting y’know. Probably had no granny who loved him. No granpappy to sing it lullabies, let me tell ya.”

With the help of CSON professor and IRA consultant Dr. Ann Burgess, BCPD released a profile for the suspect behind the stunt. “We are looking for a 5’2” man from the North of Ireland. We believe the suspect holds strong royalist sympathies and was radicalized by that video of Paul Mescal mounting a horse.”

Authorities later arrested Lord Winston Westminstershire III (MCAS ’26), a monarchical bootlicker and native of “no, it’s actually Londonderry.”

“When I was studying abroad at Queen’s University in Belfast, Western England, I visited some mates in Bilbao,” said the English major. “After tea, we did the running of the bulls, and I saw one curb-stomp a drunken Fenian twat, and I thought ‘Wow this is a great Wednesday afternoon.’”

BC’s campus has resoundingly responded in solidarity in response to the attack. Gasson’s bells now ring to the tune of “Come Out Ye Black and Tans.” The school motto has been changed to tiocfaidh ár lá. Dining hall soda machines have been replaced with Guinness taps. And the English Department has returned its six stolen offices to the Irish Studies Department.

Local health officials reported no runners were treated for injuries related to the bull rush. However, 362 redheads were treated for completely unrelated alcohol-related accidents. Fortunately, no souls were lost on Friday as there were no souls present at the ginger run.

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