“BC Before Dark” To Offer Sippy Cups For Little Stupid Babies Who Can’t Drink
GABELLI PLAZA — April has left campus spattered with beautiful cherry blossoms, exposed calves, and stupid little juniors who are too young to drink legally. After an uncharacteristically smart decision by administration, however, these social lepers can breathe a sigh of relief.
“BC Before Dark,” the newest dining option on campus, was created in response to the 21+ bar and restaurant similarly named “BC After Dark.” The perfect option for any late-bloomers who are long used to vicariously living through their roommates’ Snapchat stories, “BC Before Dark” offers the one thing dumb little babies can’t keep their mouths off of: sippy cups.
“For the first time in a long time, I feel seen,” said Smalls Gerber (MCAS ’22), who will not be 21 until August. “They even made the sippy cups biodegradable like the other dinnerware!”
BCBD’s menu is set to offer both food and drinks, from Little Bites and fruit snacks to juice and milk, the latter of which can be served cold or warm based on preference. According to a university spokesperson, administration is confident that students would be satisfied with the selection
“I don’t care what those losers eat. If it were up to me, they’d be licking scraps of powdered eggs from serving trays. What are they gonna do, cry to their mommies? I mean fuck, get a fake ID for God’s sake.”
At press time, a table of juniors were seen discussing whose mom could pick them up over an order of bottomless apple juice.