Inspired By Trump’s New Immigration Policies, Leahy Creates A Newton Travel Ban
Big IssuesFreshmenNewton March 12, 2025 The New England Classic
NEWTON/UPPER CAMPUS BORDER — Via a slew of executive orders, Trump has been taking a crack at American immigration policy. Inspired by these recent actions, President Leahy took a page out of Trump’s manifesto and created his own crude immigration framework–a ban on the travel between Newton Campus and Main Campus.
The issue of Newton remains near and dear in the hearts of Upper Campus residents. Many Upper students described their fears regarding those who hail from foreign campuses, like Newton.
“They come in here and steal everything,” said Nobe Itches, an Upper Campus freshman (CSOM ‘28). “They steal our food, our seats in class, and worst of all, they snatch our huzz.”
“One day, I was sittin’ in CoRo with my huzz from Econ, when all of the sudden this insanely chopped guy walks up and starts talking to my fine shyt,” said Itches. “Apparently, he was hit by the Newton Bus or some shit. Like come on, she was giggling and laughing, acting like he was a soldier returning home from being wounded in battle. PMO.”
Many BC student organizations, namely BC Republicans, have issued their full support of these measures. BC Republican’s President, President Grub E. Rathands, told The New England Classic he loves “how Fr. Leahy is connecting BC back to natural, Republican values.” Rathands described these new campus policies as a “big win.”
“It doesn’t bother me that those aliens are here, just as long as they obey the law, as long as they’re legal,” said Rathands. “But when in doubt, kick ’em out!”
The orders ultimately aim to reduce the number of Newton kids that can be on Upper Campus. This includes restrictions on time allowed on main campus and limited approved travel hours. The order states that all Newton students must travel alone, come to Upper Campus once a day, and leave Upper Campus at exactly 4:12.36 P.M. EST. Leahy expressed that these measures ensure that Newton Campus students will remain on their foreign land, an utterly unfathomable distance to walk from Main Campus. Additionally, if any Newton student is found in violation of these restrictions, they will swiftly be sent back to Newton Campus and held in the Duchesne Basement until they prove they can adhere to the guidelines presented.
With the new policy in place, Itches stated “Main Campus is safer. I can eat when I want, get a table in CoRo, and pursue any girl I want without the fear of a Newton guy stealing her away to Keyes. At last I can live peacefully.” 
