English Dept. Vacates Irish Studies Offices After 800-Year Occupation
AbroadHolidaysSchool March 14, 2025 The New England Classic
CONNOLLY HOUSE — Rejoice, lads and lassies, for another domino has fallen in the British Empire! After an oppressive 800-year occupation of the Boston College Irish Studies offices, the English Department vacated the County Suffolk establishment on this Good Friday afternoon.
“We didn’t even really do anything that bad, but I guess it was important to say something ahead of these St. Patty’s [sic] Day shenanigans,” read their attempt at an apology. “Sure, we might’ve reduced their discipline to a wee minor, bastardized their entire language, and deliberately poisoned all potatoes in their breakroom, but can I get a sláyyy-ante?!”
In response, Irish Studies Chairperson Dr. Cillian Knot-Sillyinn, Ph.D., said, “Feck your Union Jack, we want our office back!”
“Who knew it was 800 years?” said unremorseful English Department Chair Penelope “Local Gobshite” Posh. “I guess time flies when you’re conjugating verbs, writing Margaret Thatcher limericks, and exploiting the global impoverished!”
The English Department’s refusal to vacate the six offices in the northern wing of the Irish Studies Department is contributing to rising tensions in the Occupied Territories.
“Wipe my arse with yer feckin’ book club ya muppets. How ‘bout this image?” yelled Irish Society President Patrick “Needs Sunblock” O’Shaughnessy (MCAS ’24) holding a photo of a united Ireland. “And I didn’t ‘dabble in Photoshop’ to make it, twats!”
Organizations across campus are taking a stance on the geopolitical matter. For instance,
BC Law Professor Ira Simp-Athighzer, Esq., leads peace negotiations between the departments, and BC Dining is offering a $19.19 deal for beans on toast to commemorate the 1919 Anglo-Irish War.
“Ain’t no way I’m involving myself in this,” wrote the Theology Department, which was very much already involved.
At press time, the English professors were seen tearfully moving their boxes of belongings to their offices. Across Beacon Street, Irish Studies professors were doing Guinness keg stands with the Daughters of Cumann na mBan and singing, “Pack your boxes… ‘cause Lizzy’s in a box, in a box, Lizzy’s in a box!”
