Articles | Page 29 of 95 | The New England Classic

Colorblind Student Disappointed With First New England Fall

Campus Culture Freshmen October 5, 2022

“I don’t get it. The colors aren’t that different. They’re just like… muted? Sure, the trees are little bit grayer than normal. That’s cool, I guess. I just feel like I’m missing something.”

Leahy’s Successor Revealed To Be Evil Face On The Back of His Head

Jesuits Leahy October 4, 2022

“It is I, William P. Leahy, and I am now announcing my successor to you few snooping reporters. My successor is none other than…” he paused to raise the already scalding levels of suspense. “Me!”

Athletes Exchange Scooters For Motorized Barbie Jeeps

Big Issues Featured WTF October 3, 2022

“This bad boy also has a sick audio system that can play 6 songs, a trunk to hold my empty backpack, and does NOT have seatbelts, so my adrenaline junkie self is really enjoying the rush it gives.”

Cool Dad Transported From Tailgate (For Routine Colonoscopy)

Big Issues Drinking September 30, 2022

“It all happened so fast,” recalls Bruce McManus Jr. (CSOM ’23), who was witness to the episode. “One moment, I was crushing brews and tossing the pigskin with my old man. Next thing I knew, he’s getting examined for swollen/irritated tissues, polyps, or cancer in his large intestine!”

Student Gets Sexiled By His Parents

Sex WTF September 30, 2022

Notale continued, “There is nothing quite as embarrassing as your parents having sex in your dorm bed before you even have. The only thing possibly more embarrassing is having to sit in the hallway with your roommate AND his parents, waiting for them to finish their rekindling. By the length of the wait, I think they went two or three times or they were talking, but I really cannot imagine them talking for that long without a fight.”

Parents Weakened? Yeah, My Parents Were Weakened By The 2008 Recession!

Big Issues Campus Culture September 29, 2022

Hessian and her family were drastically affected by the housing crisis of the late 2010s. Her father, a sketchy mortgage lender, was allegedly responsible for the utter decimation of housing prices in the New York City suburban area.

Roommate Weirdly Insistent You Don’t Fuck His Mom

Sex WTF September 28, 2022

Eddie Pess (CSOM ’25) reached out to the Classic to talk about his anxieties and to broadcast his plea to the rest of the student body: “Oh gosh, guys. I sure hope nobody fucks my mom.”

Local Inventor Excited About Patents Weekend

Campus Culture Student Life September 27, 2022

“I could’ve sworn I heard it was Patents Weekend. I thought it would be a good networking opportunity to put my name on a larger, global map,” Gadget confessed. “Now I have all of my thingamabobs and whos-its with me for nothing.”