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Students Gear Up To Do Exact Same Thing With Exact Same People In Different Country

Holidays Student Life February 28, 2019

NOT BOSTON COLLEGE — While hustling and bustling around campus and cramming in last-minute studying for midterms, hundreds of Boston College students collectively expressed their excitement to spend their impending spring break doing the exact same things with the exact same people, but in a different country. Students have... Read more

Pigs Running Loose In Walsh After Student Sets Pigs Loose In Walsh

Dorm Stuff WTF February 27, 2019

WALSH HALL — It was reported around 9:45 PM on Tuesday that at least three pigs were running through the halls of the fifth floor of Walsh Hall. It was unclear where the pigs had come from or why they were there. The Boston College Police Department (BCPD) was... Read more

REPORT: Thomas More Apartments Is Called That Because It Has More Thomases Than Any Other Building On Campus

Campus Culture ResLife February 26, 2019

“It was never our intention to invoke a sense of Catholicism in any way, shape, or form,” one administrator admitted in a later memo.

OL Found Frozen After Six Months Without Icebreaker

Freshmen ResLife February 25, 2019

CHESTNUT HILL — Boston College Police Department officers were called to Rubenstein D44 Saturday after receiving reports that resident Cliff Calley (MCAS ‘19) was found frozen solid. According to the BCPD report, Calley’s roommates were about halfway through Big Booty Mix Volume 11, when they noticed he had disappeared.... Read more

Following Lack of Applications, ResLife Initiates Mandatory RA Draft

ResLife February 22, 2019

“What better way to increase the quality and diversity of the RAs,” said ResLife President George Crosby in a statement, “then for us to forcibly choose who we want to put on our brochures for next year?”

Pre-Med Student Password Protects Her Quizlets

School Student Life February 21, 2019

O’NEILL LIBRARY — This past Friday, freshman pre-med student Jessica Connors announced her recent decision to put passwords on her quizlets. Connors was most recently seen taking up an entire table with her books and her molecular modeling kit in preparation for her upcoming chemistry exam. Connors, who reportedly... Read more

REPORT: Fun Roommate Not In Room

Dorm Stuff Student Life February 20, 2019

LOWER CAMPUS — Walsh Hall resident William Welch (MCAS ’21) fell victim to the old switcheroo on Wednesday when he entered his common room to find that his fun roommate was not in the room. “Oh man, I thought Adam would be in here,” Welch said. “I sorta wish... Read more

OP-ED: Whoever Read My OIP Application, I Hope You Study Abroad In Hell

Abroad Student Life February 19, 2019

“I wish you the best of luck, as you painstakingly request a copy of your transcript and forward it to Midas, the foul judiciary of Pluto’s wicked court.”

Newton Plague Survivors Debate Whether It’s Safe To Leave Their Bunker

Campus Culture Freshmen February 18, 2019

NEWTON CAMPUS — In the basement of Keyes South, seven plague survivors have barricaded themselves in the basement study lounge for the past nine days. In an interview conducted via hushed FaceTime call, one of the students, Sophie Kelly (CSOM ’22), admitted that she and her companion are getting... Read more

Priest Confused As To Why Students Are Giving Out Weird Gloves Outside Of Mac

Jesuits Sex February 14, 2019

MCELROY HALL — This past Friday, as he was strolling down Commonwealth Avenue, Fr. Rob Trogen, S.J. reportedly encountered two students giving out “weird gloves” outside of the McElroy Dining Hall. According to onlookers, Fr. Trogen appeared confused by the students’ helpful-yet-mischievous demeanor. “Why don’t these gloves have any... Read more