Couple Breaks Up After White Mountain Server Asks If They’re Paying Together or Separate
WHITE MOUNTAIN CREAMERY — Sources confirmed that Ryan McGuigan (MCAS ’21) and Jamie Tracy (CSOM ’21) officially broke up, catalyzed by a White Mountain employee’s asking if they were paying for their ice cream “together or separate.”
On the night of the incident, the couple went out for ice cream with a mutual friend, Allison Lynn (MCAS ’22), to resolve tensions which were present in the relationship. But instead of smoothing things over with whipped cream icing made fresh in the store, the trip to the ice cream shop only made things bumpier than the texture of White Mountain’s delicious Cookie Monster ice cream.
“They’d been dating since, like, the beginning of freshman year,” said Lynn, when asked for comment on her friends’ relationship.
However, Lynn noted that by the time of the trip to the ice cream shop, the relationship, which once had been like the beautiful marriage of chocolate and peanut butter in a frozen yogurt swirl from White Mountain, had slowly begun to melt like an ice cream cone left too long in the hot sun.
A recent dispute had put the relationship on thin ice, according to Lynn — almost as thin as the ice cream of White Mountain’s competitors.
The stalemate, the origins of which were unclear, devolved into a prolonged verbal altercation in which Tracy said that McGuigan’s dick was perpetually flaccid — similar to an over-ripe banana, which White Mountain never serves in its efforts to leave customers satisfied. Meanwhile, McGuigan said that Tracy’s new haircut made him look “like his dad.”
Both McGuigan and Tracy were acting like “passive aggressive assholes,” according to Lynn — certainly not the type of people you’d ever find scooping ice cream for you or your family at White Mountain.
When they finally ordered, “the relationship reached a breaking point,” said Lynn.
The cashier inquired if McGuigan’s and Tracy’s orders would be together or separate, at which point, “time seemed to stand still,” in the words of one observer, Rachel Ingersoll (LSOE ’20) — just like time will stand still when you have the first sip of a delicious White Mountain frappe.
“No,” said McGuigan, who was beginning to tear up, in a subdued voice which slowly grew in volume. “No, no, no, no. No, for fuck’s sake! Make them separate!”
At press time, it was unclear whether McGuigan and Tracy wanted any toppings with that.