The New England Classic
Freshman Gets Sinking Feeling He’s Only Friend Of Utility
NEWTON CAMPUS — After hanging out with his roommate throughout every Welcome Week activity, Steven Palmer (MCAS ‘22) has reportedly become worried that their relationship is more mutually-beneficial than he originally imagined. “We just clicked at first, you know? We talked about our lives before BC, and found out... Read more
REPORT: Mom Just Didn’t Think You Were The “Weed-Smoking” Type
CHEVERUS HALL — Following an investigation of your underwear drawer and a tight-lipped discussion with Dad, a report published on Friday indicates that Mom just didn’t think you were the “weed-smoking type.” While settling in for their Parents’ Weekend visit, Mom reportedly opened your bureau to make sure you’d... Read more
Club Eager To Reject Kids They Just Recruited At Involvement Fair
MIDDLE CAMPUS — Hundreds of student organizations took to Stokes Lawn on Friday, eager to recruit  hordes of freshmen whose ambitions they could crush. The lineup included dance groups like Sexual Chocolate, service organizations such as 4Boston, and leadership clubs like the Rookie Leadership Program (RLP). Sarah Sivian, RLP... Read more
OL Under Impression He’s “The Hot One”
THOMAS MORE APARTMENTS — Adjusting his gold-plated name tag from his reflection in the Robsham window, orientation leader Brayden McPatrick confirmed his self-appointed place in the OL hierarchy. “From the very beginning of training, the First Year Experience staff emphasized that we were selected to represent the BC community... Read more
Freshman Perspectives Class Rescued From Plato’s Cave
CHESTNUT HILL — Late Thursday evening, Boston College officials announced that members of Professor Stephen Brown’s Perspectives class were finally rescued from Plato’s Cave, where they had been trapped since the middle of fall semester. The then-freshmen became stuck in the cave in early November 2017, when the class began... Read more
Low On Meal Plan, Freshmen Experience First Shocking Taste of Poverty
MCELROY COMMONS — The walls of Carney Dining Hall, once echoing with carefree laughter and the joyous symphony of Upper residents enjoying lukewarm food, took a somber tone this past weekend as many students were forced to confront the reality of their economic standing in the mandatory meal plan.... Read more
Freshman Girl’s Shoulders Fall Victim To Lustful Gaze Of St. Ignatius Statue
OUTSIDE – In an effort to enjoy the long-awaited sunny day on the Heights, Heather Lewdowski (CSON ’21) perched herself on the base of the St. Ignatius statue on Monday afternoon, hoping to catch up on homework she neglected over the weekend and soak up some rays with classmates.... Read more
Perpetual Penis Monologues Taking Place On First Floor Fitzaga
FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies... Read more
Office of Student Involvement Unveils “Receding Leader Program”
CARNEY HALL — Citing a commitment to prepare students for realistic, stable career paths, the Office of Student Involvement unveiled a new program designed to impart incoming freshmen with all the necessary skills to spend the next 40-53 years of their lives as subordinates. “Here at OSI, we believe... Read more
Freshman Lists Organ For Sale In Class Facebook Group
KOSTKA HALL — Late Sunday evening, Boston College freshman Gail Blatter took to the Official Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group to list one of her kidneys for sale. The post read, “Selling one of my kidneys! Near perfect condition, almost like new. Willing to negotiate price. Message me... Read more