Freshmen Archives | Page 4 of 9 | The New England Classic

Uhmm, Okay? Freshman Just Introduced Himself As A “Pee-Scholar”

Campus Culture Freshmen WTF September 20, 2021

CONNELL RECREATION CENTER — What would have been a casual game of pick-up basketball was derailed last Thursday when one of the first-year players led with a puzzling remark. As the freshmen made small talk while waiting for a court to open, one casually referred to himself as something... Read more

Weary Sophomores Defend Roncastle From Hordes Of Freshmen

Dorm Stuff Freshmen Student Life September 10, 2021

A righteous group of sophomores, who just months ago found themselves on the rear end of the housing process, fashioned what weaponry they could to protect their dear fortress. Once the freshmen fired their first rock, an all-night war of bloodlust broke out.

Eager Pre-Med Performs Rigatoni Tracheotomy On Choking Friend

Campus Culture Freshmen September 9, 2021

“Yeah, I’ve wanted to be a surgeon since before Grey’s Anatomy made it popular, so I spend most of my free time studying various procedures on YouTube,” said Call.

Newton Student Misses Carpool

Campus Culture Freshmen Newton February 11, 2021

“‘So sad. I simply could not imagine being dropped off for college by a yellow school bus. It’s just so embarrassing,’ said John Fitzgerald (CSON ‘24), who was later seen struggling to open the sliding door of his mom’s minivan.”

What The Fuck: Roommate Just Took The Lord’s Name In Vain

Freshmen Student Life WTF February 8, 2021

“I honestly couldn’t believe it,” said Arist. “I mean sure, I may have instigated it by calling him a fat-ass mistake of a human being, but like taking the Lord’s name in vain? That’s just too fucking far, man.”

Freshman Blissfully Unaware Her Weekends Probably Would Have Looked Like This Anyway

Coronavirus Freshmen October 23, 2020

“If there was no virus going around, me and the girls would be having the craziest weekend of all time.”

New Perspectives Curriculum Concludes Highest Achievable Good Is The WHOPPER Jr.®️

Campus Culture Freshmen School Sex Student Life October 8, 2020

STOKES NORTH — In a jarring series of events, Professor Kerry Cronin rewrote thirty years of Perspectives curriculum after a revelation came to her in a dream. After her weekly Thursday night ritual of picking up a WHOPPER Jr.®️ and a large order of Burger King’s famous chicken fries... Read more

Entire Dorm Chants “Kairos”, Public School Freshman Scared And Confused

Campus Culture Dorm Stuff Freshmen October 6, 2020

UPPER CAMPUS — Last Saturday night, hundreds of desperate freshmen swarmed Upper Campus in an attempt to meet fellow first-years. Once there, however, reports state that a “large, rabid circle” formed on the basketball court and began chanting in unison while a freshman in the middle rolled back and... Read more

“Who Even Gives A Shit Anymore?”: Furry Spotted On Newton Campus

Dorm Stuff Freshmen Sex October 1, 2020

“Yeah, man, I guess this sort of thing used to be a big deal. Any other week, honestly. But none of us can be bothered to give this kid the gaping, slack-jawed, sickened glares he’s so clearly begging for.”

University Welcomes “Most Diverse Class Ever” With White Guy From New Jersey

Freshmen Student Life September 10, 2020

“Look, his mumbling is bad enough as it is,” noted Rosalita Clemens (MCAS ‘24). “But on a Zoom call, with all of CLXF trying to blast “Born In The USA” at the same time, the poor dude didn’t have a chance.”