CHESTNUT HILL — Late Thursday evening, Boston College officials announced that members of Professor Stephen Brown’s Perspectives class were finally rescued from Plato’s Cave, where they had been trapped since the middle of fall semester. The then-freshmen became stuck in the cave in early November 2017, when the class began... Read more
Low On Meal Plan, Freshmen Experience First Shocking Taste of Poverty
FreshmenStudent Life April 25, 2018
MCELROY COMMONS — The walls of Carney Dining Hall, once echoing with carefree laughter and the joyous symphony of Upper residents enjoying lukewarm food, took a somber tone this past weekend as many students were forced to confront the reality of their economic standing in the mandatory meal plan.... Read more
Freshman Girl’s Shoulders Fall Victim To Lustful Gaze Of St. Ignatius Statue
FreshmenStudent Life April 23, 2018
OUTSIDE – In an effort to enjoy the long-awaited sunny day on the Heights, Heather Lewdowski (CSON ’21) perched herself on the base of the St. Ignatius statue on Monday afternoon, hoping to catch up on homework she neglected over the weekend and soak up some rays with classmates.... Read more
FITZAGA — Since the beginning of the school year, the all-male members of the first floor of Fitzaga have been staging a series of “Penis Monologues” which are expected to last indefinitely. The freshmen have clarified that this is not in response to the BC Women’s and Gender Studies... Read more
Office of Student Involvement Unveils “Receding Leader Program”
Freshmen February 5, 2018
CARNEY HALL — Citing a commitment to prepare students for realistic, stable career paths, the Office of Student Involvement unveiled a new program designed to impart incoming freshmen with all the necessary skills to spend the next 40-53 years of their lives as subordinates. “Here at OSI, we believe... Read more
KOSTKA HALL — Late Sunday evening, Boston College freshman Gail Blatter took to the Official Boston College Class of 2021 Facebook group to list one of her kidneys for sale. The post read, “Selling one of my kidneys! Near perfect condition, almost like new. Willing to negotiate price. Message me... Read more
Freshman Can’t Sleep With The Thought Of 48Hours Roommate Being With Someone Else
Freshmen November 16, 2017
CHEVERUS HALL — In the weeks following his 48Hours retreat to Plymouth, Massachusetts, freshman Derek Smalls (CSOM ‘21) has developed severe insomnia. Sources close to Smalls report that his inability to sleep is due to the fact that he misses the warmth of his 48Hours bedmate’s body next to... Read more
Students Complain College Curriculum Getting In The Way Of Sleepaway Camp
FreshmenStudent Life November 14, 2017
CHESTNUT HILL — The Office of Student Services has reported a major increase in the volume of complaints in the past 14 days. Calls and emails have been pouring in from distraught students from Walsh to Newton Campus complaining that the school work being assigned to them is interfering with... Read more
“I’m Fine,” Reports Becky’s Instagram
FreshmenStudent Life November 9, 2017
LOYOLA HALL — Stating that everything seemed normal, local Boston College freshmen confirmed that Becky’s Instagram makes it seem like she’s doing okay during her first year of college. This confirmation comes after last month’s feigned concern from third-floor residents of Loyola that something might have affected Becky’s psychological... Read more
BC Bubble Boy Contracts Flesh Eating Bacteria On The Green Line
BostonFreshmenStudent Life October 24, 2017
ST. ELIZABETH’S MEDICAL CENTER — One Boston College sophomore remains in critical condition today after contracting a deadly strain of bacteria on the B Line this past weekend. The student, identified only as “Ben,” was reportedly just “trying to see what’s off campus” and “break the BC bubble” when... Read more